


Warmth of Words

by blasphemous



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: M/M, Panic Attacks, Thixophobia, eventual love, psychiatry, trigger - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-24
Updated: 2017-05-20
Packaged: 2018-10-23 13:42:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 23,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10720455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blasphemous/pseuds/blasphemous
Summary: Alec's thixophobia must be treated. So his mother sends him to Asmodeus, the best psychiatrist in Brooklyn.Asmodeus' son, Magnus, somehow grows attached to Alec, and ends up trying to help him through just as much as his father is.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is back! 
> 
> Warnings: 
> 
> Thixophobia, severe panic attacks, mentions of sexual touching without consent. 
> 
> Please, if any of the stuff I've mentioned bother you, don't continue. I've deleted this fic once, I won't delete it again.

The sound of the phone ringing echoed through the living room, prompting a sigh from Maryse, who unhurriedly dried her hands and wiped the back of her wrist against her forehead.

Who would be calling at this ungodly hour of the day?  
It was only a few minutes past eight.

She trotted into the living room, her heels clinking against the marble of the ground as she made her way towards the sofa. She cleared her throat; as if that would somehow compose her tone, then sat down, lifting the phone to her ear.

"Hello. Lightwood's residence" she put on her formal tone as she spoke, reclining against the cushions as she fought the urge to let out a relieved groan caused by the slacking of her tense muscles.

"Hello! Yes! It's Jocelyn" 

Maryse perked up at the voice and smiled, transposing the phone to the opposite hand as she sat up. "Hey! I was wondering when you'd call!" She enthused "is this call about Izzy?" Sighing, she sat back, crossing her legs in the process. "Has she been going against the dressing code again?"

Jocelyn let out a soft chortle, "nope, not this time" she she murmured, and Maryse furrowed her brows in mild confusion "Jace? Hanging out with the bad boys again?"

"Not really.." Trailing off, Jocelyn let out a soft hum, and Maryse straightened her back, suddenly all the more serious.

"Alec?" She enquired "what did he do this time?" She continued after a moment of hesitance, rolling her eyes with a sigh.

"The same thing he did last time. And the time before that" Jocelyn replied, "can you come by for a quick chat with Luke and me?" She questioned, her voice still friendly but holding a slight formality to it.

"Yes. Of course. I'll drop Max off at the nursery and come by" Maryse stood up, trapping the phone handle between her ear and shoulder as she straightened her dress.

**…**

"We actually hoped Robert could've come along as well, we believe this is something to be discussed with both parents" Luke admitted, fingers intertwined on the desk as he leant forward.

Maryse gave a small smile "Robert's out of town at the moment. I'll make sure whatever you have to say will be delivered in no time" she replied, then she clasped her hands on her lap and straightened up "what is it you want to talk about?"

It was a few moments of hesitancy before Luke spoke up again, his voice had gained a sympathetic edge to it, "right" he cleared his throat, encouraging himself to approach the subject as soon as possible "we think Alec should see someone" 

Maryse tilted her head in confusion "hm?" 

"He's a smart kid" Luke hurried to clarify "he's very smart, his grades are high, very polite. But he has a tendency to shy away from everyone" before Maryse could start to protest, he continued "I understand that he's a teenager, and that shyness is a natural trait in most young adults. But this isn't normal" 

Maryse bit back a snarky remark, poking the inside of her cheek with her tongue.

"He's resorting to things like smoking and drawing on school property" 

Maryse inhaled sharply, giving a single nod as she bowed her head.

"Maryse. Are you familiar with the term thixophobia?" Jocelyn sat down opposite Maryse, and she leant forward to grasp her hands encouragingly, and Maryse shook her head lightly.

"Thixophobia is usually connected to a specific fear, mostly triggered by an unpleasant experience. Maybe abuse? Was he ever abused by anyone? Harassed? Bullied maybe? Anything of that sort? Anything that might prompt unwanted feelings?" Jocelyn's voice was kind, as if that would somehow alleviate the confusion and panic Maryse was experiencing.

"Not that I know of" Maryse breathed out, "can you explain that thixophobia thing to me?" She swallowed, unsure of whether she wanted to hear the answer.

"Okay" Jocelyn started again "I think Alec is scared of being touched. Thixophobia is an abnormal and extreme fear of skin against skin contact. Now, at first; I thought nothing of it, but then I realised that he's been skipping classes. Including PE, biology and chemistry, all subjects that require partners or may force him into being in physical contact with someone else" the way she broke the news to Maryse was tact and considerate. And what was odder was that Maryse's nerves actually eased with the style of speech she had chosen.

"Alec? Thixophobia?" Maryse widened her eyes in disbelief, pulling her hands out of Jocelyn's. "That's impossible, Alec had an amazing upbringing and we always tended his every wound, and he always came to me whenever there was something wrong, or just a problem nagging him. Trust me, there are no secrets between me and my children, if he's what you're saying he is; he would've told me" Maryse had no doubt in any word she was saying, but once Luke asked her that one question, she stilled, and reality dawned on her.

"When was the last time he kissed you on the forehead? Or hugged you? Or even took something from your hands?"

Maryse tried not to think about it too much, but when she realised that the last time Alec had actually made actual physical contact with her, or any of the people in the household, was years ago, almost out of the reach of her memories, she pressed her lips together in dismay.

"Look, we just want to help" Luke stated as he circled his desk and leant the small of his back against the front of it "as Alec's principle, I'm inclined to tell you what's going on. And as a friend, I'm telling you that I know plenty of great psychiatrists who can help him more than you or I will be able to. Give it a shot" Luke smiled.

Maryse clenched her jaw, still endeavouring to recall the last time she got a kiss on the forehead from him, then she looked up at him, returning the smile with a nod of her head. "I'll talk to him about it" she said, indirectly conceding to the fact that her son might as well suffer the condition they were both speaking of. "Thank you" she added.

**…**

"Alec, I need to speak to you after dinner" Maryse stated, eyeing him to see his reaction.

When he flinched, letting out a demurred "I have homework", Maryse swallowed around her food. 

"I talked to the school today" she tapped her fingernails against the table, and Alec pressed his lips together, bowing his head shamefully, "they told me you've been putting your artistic skills on display.. For the whole school to see" arching both brows, she held back an amused smile when she saw his shoulders shake with a silent chortle.

"Not funny" she tried to rebuke, but ended up shaking her head with a breathless chuckle.

Jace laughed out loud "that's ma bro right there!" He acclaimed loudly from across the table, lifting his hand "high five me, brotha!" 

Alec blinked vacantly at the hand, showing how utterly uninterested he was, then he looked back down at his food and used his fork to push the spaghetti.

"There's a party tonight!" Isabelle called out, and Jace let out a "woo! I'm getting laid!"

Maryse knew that what she was about to say was cruel, but she needed confirmation. "Alec, why don't you join them?" She questioned, turning her eyes on him.

Alec swallowed, then looked up at her "I wasn't lying when I said I have homework, mom" he muttered, and she gave a small, understanding nod.

After dinner was over, Jace and Izzy left to ready themselves for the party, and Alec sat in the living room, watching TV with a placid expression on his face.

"Let's talk" Maryse walked in, and Alec immediately stiffened, eyes shutting momentarily.

He had hoped his mother would forget about the talk, but his hopes were in vain.

"Okay" he breathed out. "What is this about?" Sitting up, he turned to his mum, and Maryse sat down next to Max.

She glanced at her littlest son for several seconds, letting the memory of Alec shaking his head when offered to carry him as a baby flood her mind. So this has been going on for more than 4 years?

Alec loitered on the sofa, awkwardly waiting for his mother to start scolding him about the obscene graffiti he had drawn on the school walls, but when the next question left her lips, he felt like all air had been knocked out of his lungs.

"Are you thixophobic?" 

Alec's hand moved to the opposite one, and he began rubbing at the web of it nervously, his toes curling and rubbing against each other as he let the sole of his foot rub over the bridge of the other. "What?" He whispered, a few decibels above a whisper.

"You heard me, Alec, are you thixophobic?" Maryse's tone could never be soft, but if she was trying, it was clear from the way her voice became lower.

Alec let out a small, disingenuous "I don't know what you're talking about"

And Maryse heaved out a breath. "Alexander Gideon Lightwood" 

Alec winced, letting out a trembling "yes", and Maryse's expression ultimately softened.

"Oh, Alec" her voice was shaky and breathless as she knelt down in front of the couch he was seated on, close enough to offer her support, but far enough to make sure he wasn't uncomfortable. "I'm not mad"

Alec was caught off-guard, and he instantly snapped his head up, eyes wide in confusion as he stared at her "you're not?" 

"No, Alec, I'm not. I'm angry that you didn't tell me and I had to hear it from someone else, but there's no reason for me to be mad about it. Why didn't you tell me?" Maryse fought the urge to reach for his hand, and instead; she buried her nails in her palms, crooning out the last question supportively.

"I thought.. I thought maybe you'd find me culpable.. Since I'm gay and all" Alec's tone considerably lowered into a farouche and timid murmur; to the point where Maryse had to strain to catch what he had to say.

Maryse was knocked back on her heels by the statement, and her eyes widened. "Alec!" She yelled out "don't you dare ever think like that! You stupid stupid boy!" 

Alec, although still shy, found himself smiling. 

"Oh, God" Maryse breathed out "Alec, I love you. We all love you. I never cared who you'd rather have in your bed" she burst into fits of uninhibited proclaims "God! I can't believe you. Alec, don't you dare ever think like that again. I'm your mother. I'd love you even if you grew a second head. In fact, I'd savour the fact I have two handsome boys" 

Alec cackled with laughter at that, throwing his head back with a wide smile, then he tilted his head to look at her.

"Did Luke tell you?" He asked breathily, eyes drooping tiredly, and she gave a nod. 

"Yep. And I also found this booklet—"

"Mom!" Alec drawled dully, running his hand down his features "don't tell me you got that ridiculous _signs your child in anti-social_ booklet" 

Maryse smirked "actually, I did" she crossed her arms over her chest "is there anything you want to tell me, Alec?"

Alec took a deep breath. "I don't have friends" he replied, giving up completely.

"Do you want me to take you out of school?" The suddenness of the question made Alec's eyes widen into saucers. 

"What?"

"Out of school. Do you want out? Would you prefer being homeschooled?" Maryse rephrased her previous question and didn't miss the smile that spread across Alec's face.

"Yes!" Alec yelled out "fuck! Yes! Oh my god, you'd actually— really?" He exuberantly screeched, and Maryse laughed, bringing her fingertips to her ear with a wince.

"Yes, but I have a condition of my own" she finally said, cutting all cheerfulness off.

Alec turned to look at her.

"No" he said "I'm not doing the dishes. I don't wanna. Dishes are literally the worst—"

"Shut up" Maryse chimed in, and Alec snapped his mouth shut.

"Psychiatrist" she uttered that one word, and Alec's heart began palpitating in his chest, his throat dry before he swallowed down saliva to wet it.

"Uh, what?" He arched a brow.

"Mom! We're going!" Isabelle ran down the stairs, Jace at her heel, and both Alec and his mother turned to look at the two.

"Money's on the counter. No drinking. If you come home after 10, I'm letting you to freeze outside— Isabelle what are you wearing?!"

Alec smirked "looking good" he winked at his sister, and Isabelle straightened her dress with a grin.

"Mom, I'm wearing a dress" she made a twirl "like it?"

"No, I do not like it!" Maryse bellowed "go and change!"

"Sorry, too late" Isabelle ran off just as Jace opened the door, and the loud slam was audible before silence fell.

Alec laughed softly, shaking his head fondly at his sister's adorable attitude.

"So.." Maryse looked back at him.

Alec gave her a small, uncertain nod "okay" he said, then let out a breath "okay, I'll do it" 

Maryse smiled widely. "I'll talk to Dr. Bane then!" She stood up and rushed for the phone.

Alec let out an "oh. You already had everything ready" he chuckled, and Maryse shrugged a shoulder as she pressed the number Jocelyn had given her onto the phone pad.

A few moments later, she cleared her throat and sat up.

"Hello, is this Dr. Bane?" She asked, and Alec crossed his arms as he turned to watch the sudden change of atmosphere as she spoke.

"Depends on which Bane you want. We have Asmodeus Bane, who holds a pen and paper twenty four seven and listens to strangers blabbering on about their lives, and then there's me, Magnus Bane, an aspiring doctor who's currently still on the doc slash patient role play in bed phase of his doctorness" 

Maryse furrowed her brows, glancing at Alec with a weirded out expression.

"Um… I think I'd like to talk to the one who holds a pen and paper twenty four seven; if he's available, that is" she replied patiently, tapping her nails against the armrest of the couch.

"Hmm.." Magnus trailed off.

"Magnus! What are you doing in my office— _are you on the phone?!_ " came a sharper voice, and Magnus let out an "oops", prompting a slight smile from Maryse, who immediately cleared her throat to compose herself. 

"Sorry, lady" Magnus whispered "I can't talk. But here's my number" halfway through his number, the phone was yanked out of his hold, and Maryse shook her head in slight disappointment. "GET OUT!"

Alec would've appreciated that number.

"Hello? Yes, sorry. My son can be a pain sometimes" Asmodeus said into the phone.

"Oh it's no problem at all! He actually seems like a fun one!" She laughed out nervously, and Alec blinked at her, deadpanning.

"Ah! He is!" Asmodeus praised, "so, is there anything I can help you with?"

Maryse took a deep breath as she began fiddling with the wire of the telephone.

"Right. Yes. My son is.. Well, he's thixophobic" her eyes landed on Alec, who gave her a small shy smile, and she squeezed her eyes in adoration. "And anti-social" she added, making Alec roll his eyes and throw his head back.

"Friends are overrated" Asmodeus joked, and Maryse chuckled softly, hearing Asmodeus' hum on the other end of the line.

"How old is he?" He asked.

"Seventeen. He's turning eighteen soon. Is it harder to treat?" Her nervousness began to surface and Alec wanted nothing more than to rub her back and assure her that he'll – hopefully – be okay.

"Yes, any type of phobia can be treated, ma'am" Asmodeus replied, easing her nerves with that handful of words.

"Good" Maryse breathed "great. Uh, when are you available?" 

"Is tomorrow okay with you? I work at the infirmary, but I'll be off-duty by four. Maybe he can pass by my house so we can get a better intel on what's going on? He wouldn't be comfortable walking through a hallway full of people. And I can assure you that my wife and son will be at home during his staying" 

Maryse picked up on his insinuation and let out an "oh!" 

Then she made the appointment and hung up.

**…**

"Mom, this is gonna be really awkward" Alec mumbled, banging his head against the glass of the car window " _oh, hello Dr. Bane, I'm Alec, mom talked about my loser-ness yesterday, treat me_ "

Maryse laughed softly

"Oh come on, it won't be awkward" she rolled her eyes, "and you're not a loser, just be nice and everything will be okay" she shrugged a nonchalant shoulder.

"Y'know, mom" Alec took a bite of his chocolate bar "this may surprise you, but not everything is solved by being nice" he continued, chewing on the mouthful.

"And nothing is solved by drawing penises on school walls" Maryse smartly countered, making Alec chuckle, shaking his head lightly just as the car screeched to a halt. 

He mumbled something incoherent then turned to her "come with me. I'm just 17! I don't even know how to pay taxes!" He begged.

Maryse laughed "oh stop being such a drama queen and get out" she waved an indifferent hand, making him gasp in feigned shock 

"I don't like you anymore" he stated, and when she seemed unfazed, he rolled his eyes and muttered a swear word.

Then he stepped out and walked towards the big ass house.

He knocked twice before turning to look at his mother, who waved him goodbye.

And a second later she drove off.

"Coming!" Came a feminine voice, and seconds later, the door flung open.

Alec smiled slightly.

"Hello" he said, his cheeks gaining colour "is Dr. Bane here?"

The woman smiled back,  
"Yes he is!" She exclaimed, with much more enthusiasm than necessary "Asmodeus! You've got a guest!" She shouted out

"Let him in!" Asmodeus called out, and she turned to Alec, "upstairs, forth room on the left"

Alec gave her a grateful simper and walked upstairs, to the room she had instructed him to.

"Hey" he stepped into the extremely cozy and comfortable office, where countless diplomas were settled on the wall. 

"Ah! You must be…"

"Alec"� Alec smiled "Alec Lightwood. Mom talked to you yesterday over the phone"

He was happy that he wasn't as awkward as he usually was, so he walked towards a brown leather chair and reclined in it.

"Nice to meet you Alec" Asmodeus leant forward, eyes on his face.

And now Alec was awkward.

"Uhm, can you stop staring at me?" He asked shyly, rubbing at his neck with much more nervousness that he expected to feel around the psychiatrist. 

"No, of course, yes! Sorry, your body language is just so interesting" Asmodeus pulled a book and pen out and Alec laughed under his breath.

"Thank you?" He squinted an eye unsurely.

"So Alec, your mother told me you're 17?" Asmodeus began, shifting in his seat to get comfortable.

"As far as I know" Alec smiled, "I'm turning 18 in a couple of months" he added, although he knew his mother had mentioned I over the phone.

Asmodeus' lips tilted into a smile.

"Nice. So, Alec, can you tell me about your relationship with your siblings?" He uncapped the pen and his eyes drifted to the book, just to make Alec feel less awkward.

"I have three siblings. My relationship with Izzy is okay, we sometimes hang out, talk about guys, maybe even watch movies together. But I don't trust her enough to tell her about.. Y'know.." trailing off with a smile, Alec looked down at his fingers "my relationship with Jace isn't so good, he's mostly out with friends so I only see him during dinner. As for Max, he's only 4, so I don't really have a relationship with him. Yet. Never even held him."

Nodding slowly, Asmodeus looked back up at Alec "and I heard you have thixophobia" he stated, lowering his glasses from his head, to the bridge of his nose.

Alec gave a unnoticeable nod.

"Do you think there's a reason behind it? Maybe you were hurt by someone when you were younger? Or a fight maybe?" His tone implied that there may be other reasons, and that Alec's options were open.

Alec hummed "no" he lied instantly, "ever since I hit puberty I just started hating being touched, it's not anything that came from a past experience. It's just.. It's kinda unreasonable I guess?" He shouldn't be lying to a psychiatrist. The whole point of seeing one is baring everything. 

Asmodeus hummed softly "and your relationship with your parents?"

Alec contemplated his next sentences thoroughly, his thumbs twiddling.

"I never see my dad, he's out of town most of the time. My relationship with mom is good, we talk a lot, about various things so there's that" shrugging a shoulder, he began tapping the sole of his shoe against the floor, looking around with puckered lips, admiring the photographs and trophies with interested eyes as Asmodeus wrote down what he had to say about this.

"Anxiety attacks?"

"Sometimes" Alec's gaze averted to him "when I dream about something, like standing in a room full of people, I wake up.. And…" Alec swallowed "and I go through some.. I.. I just struggle to breathe, I guess."

Asmodeus nodded

"Are you okay with pills?"� He looked at Alec with a smile "anything you're allergic to? Penicillin maybe? And are you okay taking any type of antibiotic?"

Alec gave a nonchalant shrug "sure, why not? I'm just allergic to shrimps" he sat up "will you be giving me antidepressants?"

"HEY DAD! Me and my friends are hanging out at the— _who are you?_ " Magnus was running down the hallway as he requested his outing, but as soon as he saw Alec, he cut himself off to ask a much more important question.

Alec turned his head to look at him, making Magnus smile, then look at his father.

"I think I've been blessed by the gods above" he extolled dreamily "dad, I think I wanna follow in your footsteps if I'll be seeing someone remotely as beautiful as this young—"

"Get out, Magnus" Asmodeus sighed

Magnus scoffed, then looked at Alec, his smile seemingly broadening as his eyes gleamed with adoration.

"No, look at him! I made him smile!" He pointed at Alec, who composed himself and wiped the moronic and unconscious smile off his face, blinking twice.

"Magnus"

"I believe the reason he's here is because he's too sexy to exist which led to too many people swarming around him" Magnus stated, then he looked back at Alec, and gave him a wave, just now acknowledging his existence "hey, beautiful. I'm Magnus"

Alec found himself smiling again, and he gave Magnus a one-over.

"Alec" he replied, nodding his head in greeting.

"Jesus Christ. Your voice, I'm done, nope, I'm— dad, I'm going out with my friends, to burn off some steam"� he looked back at his father, "I'm taking some money from mom, c'ya!"Then he turned to Alec and gave him a wink "adios, handsome"

Alec gave a small nod and Magnus skipped off.

"Excuse me, he tends to flaunt his bisexuality everywhere he goes"� Asmodeus sighed, and Alec laughed softly.

"No problem, it's refreshing" he smiled, eyes lingering on where Magnus stood before turning back to the doctor.

Asmodeus nodded with a small grin "let's continue then."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings:
> 
> • mentions of kissing without consent.  
>  • Magnus in shorts. Twice.
> 
> **________**

"Tell me! How was your first appointment?" Maryse's enthusiastic question came as soon as Alec stepped through the doorframe.

Alec looked up as he closed the door, then a smile etched on his lips and he made his way towards where she was sitting, reclining in the seat opposite of hers. "It was great, mom" he sighed out

"I think sarcasm is Jace's thing, sweetheart" Maryse leant forward, her chin on her palm, "don't wound me with more snark" she murmured, prompting an eye roll from her eldest son.

"I'm not being sarcastic, y'know" he stated genuinely, "I mean, he _was_ a little probing, but that's what psychiatrists are like. I wish I could get paid for being nosy and scribbling on papers" he smirked slightly as he looked into thin air, then his attention was back on his mother "but yeah, it was okay, better than I expected it to be" 

"And?" Maryse cocked a questioning brow.

Alec shrugged "and what?"

"Will you be seeing him again?" Maryse was trying not to pressure him, and by the looks of it, she was not succeeding.

Alec began to play with the corner of one of the papers she was working on, giving a nonchalant shrug, "I dunno"

"If you're uncomfortable about it—"

"I'm not uncomfortable about it" Alec cut in hurriedly, "I'd like to try it out, but if it starts making me distressed or awkward or anything, I'll tell you about it and we'll stop.. Right?"

Maryse gave a rapid nod as she sat up "of course!" She exclaimed "for now, go and have dinner. Yours is in the fridge" 

Alec stood up and made his way into the kitchen with a content smile on his face.

"All for me?" He opened the fridge, arching a quizzical brow.

"Ah! Yes! Jace and I thought you'd appreciate it. We gave up our share for you!" Maryse called out, and Alec gave an unconvinced nod, "mmhm.. Izzy made the food, didn't she?"

"Yep!" Izzy strode in and Alec turned to her.

"I'm sure Simon would appreciate your handiwork much more than we ever will. Give it to the deserving, Iz" and with that, Alec walked past her and up to his room.

"Hey! That was mean! I'm only 15! At least I make food, you dickwad! Show some appreciation!" She bellowed after him, making him shake his head with a fond smile.

**…**

"Mom!" Alec called out, his voice rattled as he ran down the stairs, taking two steps at once. "Mooooom!" He drawled out, making his way through the corridor and towards the living room. "Mooo—" cutting himself off when he caught sight of Jocelyn, he gave a sheepish smile and rubbed at the back of his neck.

"Hey, Mrs. Garroway" he greeted shyly, waving an awkward hand in her direction.

"Oh, skip formalities, sweetie" Jocelyn waved a hand in his direction "I'm called Jocelyn"

Alec gave a small smile as he bowed his head and Maryse put her teacup down in the saucer "what is it, Alec?" She asked, turning to face him.

"Yeah, right" Alec stood for a few moments, trying to recall the reason he was calling her "yeah!" he snapped his fingers, then pointed his index finger in her direction "do you have Dr. Bane's number? I forgot the prescription with him and I need to know what medicine I gotta get" he asked, and she contemplated his question for a second.

"Yeah, pup, it's hung on the fridge" she waved in the direction of the kitchen and he immediately scurried there with a slight smile.

As soon as he got to the fridge, he pulled his mobile out and let his eyes travel between the paper hung on the fridge and the keypad on his phone, then he saved the number under Dr. Bane.

He cleared his throat, biting at his lip anxiously, trying to come up with a way to start the conversation as he pressed the green telephone symbol beside the name tag.

It was only a matter of two rings before Asmodeus picked up and Alec was momentarily caught off-guard, straightaway wishing he could hang up and evade the awkward conversation about to take place.

"Dr. Bane speaking" 

Alec pressed his lips together and shifted his weight to the opposite leg.

"Hey!" He yelled out, cringing at how loud and jolly his tone was "hello! Dr. Bane! It's Alec!" He effused, jaw clenching as he realised that he was absolutely incapable of lowering his tone.

A breathless and half-subdued laugh came from the other end of the line, and Asmodeus deadened it in a matter of seconds with a clear of his throat.

"Alec!" He replied kindly "you seem to have forgotten your prescription here"

"Right. Yes" Alec nodded "that's why I'm calling actually" Alec concealed the urge to applaud himself for not stuttering or sounding like a total dork by burying his nails into his palm. "I can't come by and get it actually, I was wondering if you could tell me the name of the pills so I can buy them...?" Trailing off, Alec began picking at the nail of his middle finger with his thumbnail.

"Of course! Just give me a second" Asmodeus began fiddling for the prescription, then he cleared his throat into the phone "it's called Bupropion" 

Alec furrowed his brows "Bupro what?" He squinted a thoughtful eye as he looked up at the ceiling, as if the cement would agree with how preposterous medicine names can be.

"Bupropion" Asmodeus repeated "or Wellbutrin"

Alec let out an irritated puff of air.

"Or Zyban, whichever you remember first" Asmodeus added a lighthearted laugh which made Alec smile.

"Right, okay, thank you" he gratefully responded, then he hung up and cupped his phone in both hands, content with how the conversation escalated, before he pocketed the mobile and grabbed his keys, leaving for the door.

"Dear! Bring paracetamol and ibuprofen with you if you can!" Maryse demanded from the living room, and Alec waved a dismissive hand over his shoulder before flinging the door open and stepping out.

When he — after a lot of standing by the side of the pavement and waiting for people to pass by — finally made it to the drugstore, he walked in and quickly made his way towards the register.

"Hey!" He grinned widely, catching the pharmacist's attention as she looked up from the computer.

"Hello. What can I do for you?" She smiled, taking a side step and interlacing her fingers on the glass of the till.

"Um" Alec let his eyes skim across the store "I need paracetamol, ibuprofen, and uh…" he stopped, puckering his lips to recall the name of the medicine or any of its synonyms "ah, right. I also need two packs of Wellbutrin" 

"Here's the paracetamol" she ducked and pulled a box out, "and.." She disappeared for a few seconds, then came back holding up a box of ibuprofen "ibuprofen"

Alec smiled, giving a small nod.

"And can I see your prescription got the Wellbutrin?" She looked up at Alec with a formal twitch of her lips, and Alec cleared his throat, his anxiety starting to kick in.

"No" he replied. "No, I.. I don't have it.. I forgot it with my— my psychiatrist" he began fidgeting, hands clasped behind his back as he rubbed at them nervously, the burn making his skin turn red.

"I'm sorry. I can't give you your medicine if you don't have a prescription" giving a sympathetic tut of her tongue, the pharmacist shrugged a shoulder, and Alec swallowed forcibly.

"You don't understand" he breathed out, "I—I need the medicine. Like.. Now. Today. My psychiatrist is—" the door made a jingle, indicating a newcomer, and Alec shut his eyes at the sound, his heart starting to palpitate nervously in his chest.

"Ah! Sofia!" Alec found his muscles slacking at the voice, "how's my favourite unfashionable chemist?" 

Sofia — the pharmacist — chuckled softly, "hello, Magnus" she nodded in his direction, and he stepped closer.

"I'm sorry, sir" she then turned to Alec "I can't give it to you without the prescription"

Alec took a deep breath, his eyes still shut, then he let out the air shakily.

"What's going on?" Magnus enquired, standing uncomfortably close to Alec, and Alec took a step to the side.

"This young man wants Wellbutrin without his prescription" Sofia explained, gesturing towards Alec, who slowly opened his eyes and looked down, his toes curling in his shoes.

Magnus chuckled lightly "oh, darling" he began "you know how dad is with calling Bupropion Wellbutrin" rolling his eyes, he began drumming his gold varnished nails against the glass, and that caught Alec's attention, easing his nerves a little.

"Oh! Is your doctor—"

"Mr. Bane. Yes" Alec swallowed around the confirmation, nodding once and she clapped her hands.

"Why didn't you say so!"

"Because you didn't really give me the chance to" Alec mumbled as she left for the storage room, leaving Alec standing there with Magnus' gaze fixated on him.

"Alec" Magnus purred out, and Alec turned to face him.

"Hey, hi, hello!" Flexing his jaw, Alec blinked twice, and Magnus' brows rose in amusement, an easy smile caressing his lips He tilted his head to the side in utter enjoyment as he watched Alec stammer over various greetings "afternoon" Alec corrected himself "it's 3pm, good afternoon"

"Good afternoon" Magnus' smile widened fondly before he turned around and began wandering about, Alec's eyes following him.

He couldn't help but admire the way Magnus openly and proudly wore what he want.

And he also couldn't help but admire how the denim shorts complimented Magnus' tan legs greatly, and how utterly hypnotic the white fashionably holey crop top looked on him.

"Hey, Sofia! I'm going to take a couple of condoms just in case!" He yelled out, "keep the change!" He made his way back to the till, and Alec immediately looked away before Magnus caught him watching him.

"Your chances of getting laid are just as non-existent as mine!" Sofia yelled back, and Magnus let out a guffaw, smacking the money onto the glass, then he turned to Alec.

"So, we meet again" he said gently, and Alec looked down at his fingers; that were now drumming a disoriented rhythm against the glass.

"Yeah" he breathed out, knowing that this was most likely the last time he would be talking to Magnus. Especially considering how awkward he was being. 

Magnus only smiled warmly, "you go to my school, you know. I knew I've seen those pretty hazels before" leaning close, Alec jumped back, then his cheeks flushed and he looked away, internally begging Sofia to be faster.

Magnus stepped back, mildly embarrassed by the way Alec reacted.

"I don't think you do" Alec stated, turning to face Magnus as he licked at his lips "a look like yours would definitely catch my eye"

Magnus chuckled softly "oh, trust me, babe" he waved a heavily ringed hand in Alec's direction nonchalantly "if it weren't for the hideous dress code, I'd surely raise heads… and other things" he winked unabashedly, making the heat spread all the way down to the small of Alec's back.

Magnus went on "we actually share history and that other thing with the..." Trailing off, he began drawing imaginary jiggly lines with his index finger "I vaguely remember an x and y and maybe a couple of wiggly lines" 

Alec was smiling, swallowing back a laugh, and Magnus noticed that, his eyes softening at how soothing the taller boy's smile was.

"You should smile at school" he commented in a croon "that way we can economise on electricity, Mr. 1000 watt grin" Magnus' own smile was quite deific as he spoke, his pearly whites clashing with his beautiful dark skin almost seraphically.

Alec couldn't help but fleetingly glance at Magnus' hands, he just found the gold against tan contrast absolutely cooing.

"I'm actually resorting to homeschooling" he looked back at Magnus, and Magnus let out a put off hum.

"Pity" he grumbled "we could've been friends"

_We can still be friends_

Alec didn't dare say that out loud, no matter how much his tongue was aching to voice that phrase.

"Yeah" he found himself breathing out, and Magnus gave a small nod, accompanied with a smile.

"Oh well" he suddenly perked up, "I'll see you around" and with that, he turned around and left.

**…**

"Yo! Alec! You know Magnus?" Isabelle sauntered into the living room, eyes fixated on her phone, and Alec instantly looked up, bucking up at the mention of Magnus' name.

"Magnus Bane?" He asked, arching a quizzical brow, and she nodded.

"Yeah" Alec gave a lopsided smirk, looking back down at the book, "yeah" his voice considerable lowered, but the ghost of a smile still played on his lips as his fingertips traced the words on his book.

"He just texted me saying…" she trailed off, and Alec began to nibble on the inside of his lip "tell tall, dark, and handsome that the Bupropion can sometimes stimulate the sex drive and I'm more than willing to help him out with _anything_ he needs" the last words left her lips with a laugh, and Alec's grip on the book tightened as he cleared his throat.

"Oh come on! He's cute" Isabelle laughed out joshingly "no need for the discomfort, I'm 15, I know how sex happens" 

Alec let out a breath, gulping hard "stop" he managed to rasp out.

"I will once you admit that you've thought about those godly abs at least once since you met him!" Isabelle answered with a chortle, prompting Alec to flex his jaw, his chest rising and falling "stop" 

"You haaaaaave!" She droned playfully.

"Isabelle. Stop it, I'm starting to get uncomfortable" Alec slammed his book shut, but his grip on it still had his knuckles pale, his lips parted in an attempt to get air into his lungs.

"I was just kidding, Alec" Izzy rolled her eyes "I mean, he's cute, you're outwardly gay, there's nothing to be uncomfortable about. Sexual urges are—"

Alec glared up at her venomously "uncomfortable as in actually, physically, uncomfortable. Do you have any fucking idea why I even go to see a psychiatrist you stupid fucking bitch?" he shouted sharply, then stood up and stormed off, throwing his book to the floor in the process.

Isabelle was taken aback.

**Isabelle: is acting like you're on your period also a side effect?**

**Magnus: I guess. Just take care of him. I didn't mean to make him mad.**

Alec got to his room and slammed the door shut, turning to rest his forehead against the wood of it.

"Deep breath, Alec" he whispered to himself, then took a deep breath and let it out slowly "deep breath" he could feel his hands shaking, his nails digging into his palms, almost drawing blood as his eyes screwed shut "another breath" he puffed out, then inhaled through his nose, "exhale" he choked out, his shoulders shaking in silent cries.

It took him several minutes to tame his heart and get his body under control, and when he did, he made his way to his bed and curled up under the sheets, letting the sound of silence soothe him to sleep.

**…**

"Alec, thixophobia is an extremely rare phobia" Asmodeus began "there always has to be a cause behind it. You told me that there's no past experience that could've led to this fear?" He enquired, hoping that now that he had somewhat earned Alec's trust, Alec would change his answer.

Alec was rubbing at his hands, eyes on them for distraction "yeah" he managed to breathe out.

"Okay, maybe it's something that has to do with the environment you live in? Was there any violence at school? Anything that may've triggered you?" Asmodeus poured Alec a glass of water and slid it across the desk.

Alec swiftly caught it, and brought the rim to his lips, gulping it down slowly as he tried to think his decision over.

"I.." He put the glass down, "I uh.. It's.. I'm not sure"

Asmodeus smiled knowingly "Alec" he said "I can assure you that whatever you have to say won't make it out of these walls. Not even to your mother" he stated, and Alec let out a breath.

"Right, okay. Can I close the door?" Before Asmodeus could even let out a yes, Alec was already up and walking towards the door, and he shut it quietly, then made his way back to his seat and sat down timidly. 

"Take your time" Asmodeus said encouragingly, and Alec gave a small nod, shutting his eyes as he let out a breath.

"I was in seventh grade" he began, easing his eyes open "I was in seventh grade when I first got my gay suspicions" he rephrased his sentence, then looked down at his twiddling thumbs "and usually teens don't.. they don't go to their parents when it comes to things as serious as that. I mean— different generations, you'll think that your parents won't really.. Well, accept you, especially since our society isn't really... Embracive of same sex relationships, so I.. I went for a friend of mine, a female friend.. I considered going to Izzy, my sister, but she was only 11" flexing his jaw, Alec looked up from his hands, "she.. well.. she.." He began shaking his leg anxiously, his lower set of teeth digging into his upper lip.

"She outed you?" Asmodeus questioned, expression softening, then he furrowed his brows when Alec shook his head.

"No" Alec swallowed "no, she had a crush on me" he continued breathlessly, "she started telling me.. that it's just a phase. she started saying things that I expected my parents to tell me once I come out to them" Alec's mouth hung open for a few seconds, a tear falling down his face, causing him to wipe the back of his sleeve at his cheek, "then she began.." His breathing was starting to turn ragged, his throat constricting around his words "she kissed me" he shut his eyes, rubbing at his bicep apprehensively.

Asmodeus heeded the way Alec was starting to breathe, sensing an attack of anxiety building up in the boy.

"Okay, Alec. I'll have to stop you there" he crooned, and Alec nodded rapidly in agreement. "Take a deep breath. A deep breath, Alec"

And Alec did just that, repeatedly, up until he regained focus on his surroundings.

"Good job" Asmodeus praised "how're the pills going?" Switching the subject, Alec felt at ease, the tense muscles of his shoulders slacking.

He opened his eyes, blinking away the black spots hanging in the air around him "they're okay, I guess.. They're um, fine, but the side effects are... Affecting me?" 

Asmodeus chuckled softly "understandable. Side effects tend to affect sometimes" he joked, and Alec gave a small smile, unable to let out a laugh although he actually found his own sentence ridiculous.

"Any unusual effects?" Asmodeus asked, and Alec shrugged "nausea, dizziness sometimes, I lashed out at Izzy a few days back and called her a stupid bitch" he mumbled the insult and Asmodeus suppressed his laughter.

"That's okay" he assured, "just make sure you don't leave the house while you're under its effect, yeah?" 

Alec gave a nodded, not wanting to say a word.

"Now Alec, I've been meaning to approach this subject" Asmodeus straightened his back in a much more serious manner, and Alec bucked up, mirroring his doctor's action, hands clasped on his lap "are you familiar with the term exposure?" 

Alec hummed "I suspect it has something to do with exposing me to my fear?" He questioned, and Asmodeus gave a nod.

"That's correct" he replied "in a few weeks we're going to start with this type of therapy" he added, and Alec stilled.

"Why?"

"Because that's my job, and you have to overcome your fear. I won't exceed your limits no matter what, don't get scared" Asmodeus leant forward as Alec bit the inside of his cheek, trying to comprehend the amount of information being thrown in his direction.

"There are three types of exposure. We'll start with imaginary exposure, where I sit you down, and ask you to imagine a specific situation, then teach you how to keep your reaction under control" 

Alec flexed his jaw, his heart starting to beat faster in his chest "then?" he mustered up his voice to enquire.

"We'll put you under the actual situation" Asmodeus replied, and Alec paused for a second, eyes travelling up to meet his, "what do you mean?"

"That way we'll be able to vanquish the physical symptoms of your thixophobia, the heart rate, the dryness of the lips, the shivering, everything. And in most situations, it'll help you through your emotional fear as well" Asmodeus' placid tone managed to ease Alec's fear, but not remotely enough for his heavy breathing to come to a stop.

"I don't think.." The mere thought of it made him cut himself off with a deep shaky breath "I don't think I can do it" he haltingly croaked, thumb rubbing at the palm of his opposite hand restlessly. 

"You can, Alec" Asmodeus said "you will, I'll help you through it, your mother will help you through it, okay?"

"Thanks" Alec weakly declared his gratefulness. "are we done?" He didn't mean for the question to sound so insolent, and Asmodeus knew that.

"We are. I'll see you on Thursday" Asmodeus smiled with a nod, and Alec abruptly stood up and walked to the door. "Thanks" he said again, then opened the door and stepped out.

He stood for a few moments, then brought himself to walk, but just as he began his way down the corridor, Magnus stepped out of his room, humming an unfamiliar tune.

Alec stilled as Magnus turned around. And when their eyes met, Magnus took a step back, leaving a good two metres between them.

"Hello, Alexander" he smiled friendlily, and Alec gave a small smile in return, finding his name quite appealing.

"It's, it's Alec" he rubbed at his jaw, his hand travelling to the back of his neck and scratching his nape shyly.

"Oh" Magnus replied "but I like Alexander. Is that not your name?" Cocking his head to the side, Magnus kept the smile on his face, and Alec couldn't falter his own grin even if he tried.

"Yeah, it is. But even my mom doesn't call me that anymore" he took his lower lip between his teeth and began nibbling.

Magnus tutted his tongue once "well, I think it sounds much prettier than Alec. Can I be the first to call you that?"

Alec considered it for a few moments, then gave a nod.

"Biting your lip is a bad habit" Magnus stated jokingly, and Alec immediately released his lip from the grip of his teeth, straightening his back as he looked over Magnus' shoulder.

"I should.. I should probably get going" he pointed behind Magnus, and Magnus took a side step, disallowing Alec from walking.

"Wait, I want to apologise" he held his hands up, and Alec's eyes widened in confusion.

"Why?" He perplexedly questioned, brows furrowed.

Magnus didn't take a step closer, which intrigued Alec. "When we were at the pharmacy and you stepped away, I thought that maybe you found my company uncomfortable, especially since.." Magnus made a gesture to his clothing.

Alec looked him over, cheeks flushing, then his eyes were back on his face.

" _I flourish my sexuality everywhere I go_ as dad likes to put it, but Izzy told me you're gay and to be frank, the dry lips, fidgeting and shivering hands caught my attention" Magnus continued lightheartedly, in a tone that made Alec question why a subject as sensitive as that didn't send his nerves into a frenzy.

"And you know how dads are" Magnus rolled his eyes "always trying to educate you on their own speciality" 

Alec shrugged "my dad's always out of town" his voice was hoarse, so he cleared his throat and repeated his statement.

Magnus smiled kindly, and Alec found some comfort given by the way Magnus was looking at him, his gaze holding absolutely no sympathy, unlike every look Alec received whenever he talked about his father's absence.

"I should rephrase my apology" Magnus cut Alec out of his thoughts "you're a strong man, and I'm sorry I irritated you with what I told Izzy. And the way I stepped into your comfort bubble at the pharmacy. I didn't know of your condition"

Alec's eyes nearly fell out of their sockets, a wave of embarrassing heat taking over his body "how—how'd you know about—" he cut himself off, unable to articulate a proper question.

"I actually have quite an expanded interest in psychology. I wasn't joking about wanting to follow in dad's footsteps, y'know" Magnus transposed his weight to the opposite leg, "gorgeous boys are just a bonus" he kittenishly added, his forefinger and thumb playing with the ring of the opposite index finger.

Alec bowed his head shyly. "Well, apology accepted" he finally said, and Magnus perked up with a blinding grin.

"Does that mean I can get your number?" And Alec looked at him, brow curving "really now?"

"I guess not" Magnus murmured under his breath and Alec let out a hum, faking thoughtfulness.

"Fine" he drawled with a playful eye roll, "give me your phone"

Magnus pulled his phone out of the white denim shorts he was wearing, and Alec felt a pang of unease in the pit of his stomach.

What if their hands accidentally touch?  
What if Magnus doesn't actually understand his situation and touches his hand on purpose? After all, Magnus didn't have as much experience as his dad had and—

His thoughts trailed off with an echo when Magnus bent down and slid his phone across the floorboards.

Alec's heart melted as the phone collided with his shoe, and he looked back up at Magnus, who grinned shamelessly "my iPhone 7 is at your feet, Mr. Lightwood" he faked a British accent "the least you can do is give it your number"

Alec crouched and lifted the phone, still squatting as he typed in his number and saved it under his name, then slid it back and stood up.

Magnus caught it with the sole of his white sandal, and Alec cocked his head to the side, smiling at the shoes fondly.

"I'll text you" Magnus got his phone and walked back into his room.

Alec stood there for a few seconds, a moronic smile plastered to his face before he brought himself to his senses and walked away.


	3. Chapter 3

"Alec! Out of bed! Now!" Maryse ordered as she threw his door open.

Alec groaned and rolled over, tugging his earphones out "what?" He muttered from beneath the covers.

"Dr. Bane just called" placing her hand on her hip, Maryse shifted her weight to the opposite leg "take the sheets off yourself right now, young man!" 

Alec did as told with a low-mumbled profanity, eyes drifting open "so?" He blinked at his mother plainly.

"So? You've missed three appointments so far, Alec!" She wasn't mad, she just sounded confused and slightly irritated with the way Alec was acting.

"I thought you enjoyed seeing him" she breathed out gently, the glare she was darting his way softening when she saw how dishevelled he looked.

Alec threw his arm over his face, letting out a grunt "I just don't wanna leave the house, mom" he said, letting out an exhausted sigh "you have no idea how hard it is to attempt conversation with anyone" 

"He's a doctor" Maryse's voice considerably alleviated "his job is to help you" she continued in clarification.

"I have studies" Alec was just trying to find a way out of this "I'm behind in maths and French and the one with NaOH" he buried his face in the pillows.

"Alec, you need to get out of that bed" Maryse said "now. If you don't wanna see Dr. Bane, the least you can do is hang out with us"

"Mom" Alec drawled in annoyance, "leave me alone."

Maryse pursed her lips "Alec."

"What?" His voice was still low and bland. 

"Do you feel weird going to the psychiatrist?" She enquired quietly, leaning against the doorframe.

"No!" Alec proclaimed almost immediately "do you really wanna know what it is?" He threw the quilt off himself and sat up, the covers pooled at his hips "Dr. Bane told me to lower the dosage and it's depressing me, okay?" 

Maryse's eyes went wide, then she bowed her head shamefully. "Oh"

"I just really don't wanna see anyone right now" Alec pleaded "please close the door"

Maryse stayed silent for a few moments, looking at her son with a slight smile "okay" and with that, she stepped back and shut the door.

Alec fell back against the bed and put his earphones back in, closing his eyes.

**…**

**Magnus: hey. I'm worried about you. Everything ok? Haven't seen you wandering our halls in 2 weeks :-(**

Alec smiled slightly at the text, then pushed the phone away, not wanting to reply.

He eyed his books for several seconds, then sighed and pulled the phone back to him.

**Alexander: don't worry. I'm just behind in my studies. Thanks for checking up on me.**

Magnus tapped his thumbnail against the screen for a few seconds.

**Magnus: I can help you with studies if you want. Just call me up if you need anything xoxo**

Alec arched a suspicious brow.

**Alexander: oh, really now? Last time I checked, you were the one who called math "x, y, and wiggly lines"**

Magnus laughed out loud, shaking his head lightly.

**Magnus: oh, come on, tell me my feigned stupidity wasn't slightly attractive! I dare you!**

Alec grinned, then adjusted his position in the chair to compose himself as he looked around to make sure no one saw him.

**Alexander: I don't know what type of guys you're used to, but I think feigned stupidity is lame. And people who act stupid are actually stupid. **

**Magnus: that's not a very nice thing to say! I scored a 97% last year, excuse your ass!**

Another moronic smile found its way to Alec, but he did nothing to hide it.

**Alexander: impressive. Smartness is attractive. Fake stupidity isn't. If we have 2A + B — > C, and we heighten the pressure till the amount becomes 1/4 of what it originally was, the velocity of the reaction becomes:  
** A) 64v  
B) 32v  
C) 8v  
D) 4v  
Explain why. 

Not even two minutes passed before Alec's phone rang with a notification.

**Magnus: A. When we lower the amount, the concentration heightens, so that means C`=4C. Now, the law we use to calculate the velocity is v=k[the concentration of whatever the fuck is on the first side of the reaction equation to the power of the number beside it] which means the velocity was v=k[A]²[B] before we fuck around with the chemicals. Since C`=4C, v` becomes k[4A]²[4B] = > v`=(4²x4) {k[A]²[B]} = 64 (k[A]²[B]) = 64v. Voila. **

Alec smirked slightly.

**Alexander: that was really good. Thanks, Magnus.**

**Magnus: no problem, darling. Don't hesitate to ask for help. Eat a lot of chocolate, it'll help with the pill dosage. Stay safe xoxo**

Alec took a deep breath, eyes shutting for a only a split second before he sent another "thank you" and shut his phone.

**…**

"Sorry I haven't been coming lately" Alec apologised, looking down at his hands, his shoulders slumped.

"Oh, I expected it" Asmodeus waved a hand in his direction, dismissing his apology with a kind smile "lowering dosages can cause all sorts of reactions, Alec. No need to apologise. How are you feeling?"

Alec took a deep breath "I'm fine, thanks for asking" he replied, his tone contradicting his words. He really didn't feel like being around anyone.

Asmodeus stood up and circled his desk before sitting in the seat opposite of Alec's, then he leant forward, elbows on his thighs "I'm going to start with a simple question, okay?" 

Alec gave a single nod.

"Do you think that the reason you don't socialise much is because people may find you uninteresting?" Asmodeus enquired, and Alec bit down on the inside of his cheek.

"I know I'm uninteresting, I can't keep a conversation going for more than 10 seconds" he shrugged, "I mean, I have a couple of friends who accept that I'm socially awkward and all but.. yeah.."

Asmodeus nodded slowly, "okay, I'm going to put you under a test, just to observe the way you build up a conversation, is that okay with you?"

Alec gave another nod.

"Do you know my son? Magnus?" Asmodeus tilted his head to the side, and Alec bit back a smile.

"Yeah, we've talked a couple of times" _and he's so smart and beautiful and amazing and—_

"Well, I'm going to call him over and see if you can keep a conversation going with him, does that sound good?" Asmodeus cut Alec out of his complimentary thoughts.

Alec gave a light tug to his lip.

"If you find this uncomfortable—"

Alec shook his head "no, no it's okay" he gave a nod of acceptance "okay" he sat up, clapping his hands to ready himself.

"Magnus!" Asmodeus suddenly bellowed, making Alec flinch "get up here!" 

A few moments later, Magnus showed up at the door.

"What is— Hola, handsome" he made his way into the room, eyes on Alec.

"Hey" Alec replied quietly.

Asmodeus kept his eyes in Alec, urging him to continue.

"Uh, how are you?" Alec looked up at Magnus, who was now leaning against his father's desk, ankles crossed.

"I'm great, Alexander. Thank you for asking, what about you? How are you holding up?" Magnus smiled kindly, expression softening at how tender Alec's voice was.

"Uh, I'm okay, I'm fine.. Everything's… everything's fine" Alec's cheeks went red under Magnus' gaze as he looked back at Asmodeus.

Asmodeus blinked and gave another uplifting nod.

Alec's eyes were back on Magnus "what's your favourite colour?" He cringed at his own words and looked down, lifting both hands to cup his nose and mouth shyly.

Asmodeus chuckled softly, but Magnus only smiled, eyes glistening cheerfully.

"Can we keep him?" He finally breathed out dreamily, "he's so precious, I swear" turning back to Alec, he saw that the hazel-eyed boy was looking up at him, partially shocked, but mostly embarrassed, his cheeks and the tips of his ears painted a dark shade of red.

"My favourite colour is either gold, red, or purple, they're all equally beautiful. What's yours? Is it blue?" The tone Magnus used was unusually affectionate, but in a way that didn't make Alec feel like he had something wrong in him, and that made Alec smile.

He gave a timid nod, and Magnus swallowed as he watched him struggle with his next words.

"I don't know what to say now"

Asmodeus hummed, but before he could answer, Magnus spoke up.

"Usually, after you ask how someone is, you talk about how long it has been since you last saw them and all that bullshit, then say something like _aye, wanna hang out sometime? Maybe have a coffee or somethin'?_ y'know?"

Alec gave a small nod.

"It's been a long time since I last saw you, Magnus" he spoke, eyes fixated on Magnus' dark ones, "would you like to have a drink sometime?"

Magnus' smile broadened as he scrutinised every feature of Alec's face, before initiating eye-contact again "yes, Alexander" he said "I'd very much like that"

Asmodeus looked between the two, then his lips shaped an O as he nodded understandingly.

"Okay, Magnus. Out!"

Magnus managed to break eye-contact, then he stood straight, clearing his throat "right, okay" and with that, he left the room, Alec's eyes following him.

Asmodeus turned back to Alec "I see you've grown to like my son" he stated, and just as Alec began to sputter something that vaguely resembled a "no", Asmodeus cut him off.

"Don't fret over it. Magnus has never shown interest in another until now" he gave a flourish of his hand, and Alec looked down, chewing on his lip.

"So!" Asmodeus clapped his hands, changing the subject "tell me, Alec, have you ever resorted to aggression?" 

Alec stilled for a few moments "no, but I used to frequently draw on the school walls" he said, giving a sly smirk to no one in particular.

Asmodeus smiled, scribbling something in his book before he looked back up.

"Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is a type of therapy which helps you learn how to act in social situations. Does that sound good to you?" He looked genuinely sincere about his want of Alec's comfort and consent.

When Alec nodded, he smiled.

"You can either bring one of your siblings along, or we can continue to experiment on Magnus" Asmodeus sat back, and watched the blush cross Alec's cheekbones.

"Yeah, um, yeah I'll see" he replied lowly, inwardly smacking himself a billion times for stuttering.

"Great. And Alec?" Asmodeus' tone unnerved Alec, who found himself fiddling with his sleeves anxiously.

"Yeah?"

"I'm leaving town tomorrow, so I'll see you in two weeks" Asmodeus ducked his head to catch Alec's eye, and Alec nodded.

"Good"

**…**

Alec made his way down the stairs, eyes on his phone.

"Watch out!" 

Immediately looking up, the frisbee collided with Alec's head and he groaned, bringing his hand to his forehead with a muttered swear word.

Magnus chuckled just as the dog ran for Alec.

"Hey! Venus! Tsk tsk, come here!"

Venus instantly ran back for Magnus, who smiled at Alec. "Sorry" he ruefully apologised, his lips pressed together to hold back the laugh.

Alec chortled, "no problem" he looked at Venus "she's cute, can I?" 

Magnus looked unsure "can you?" 

"Yeah, I'm okay with pets" he sat down on the last step of the stairs and patted his lap.

Venus turned to him, then ran to him, tongue hanging out.

Alec laughed and ruffled her head, making her roll over and beg for tummy rubs, which Alec more than eagerly provided.

"You're a cutie, aren't you?" Alec didn't notice how childish his voice was until the words were out and he caught Magnus laughing.

"It's something I do unconsciously, okay?!" He exclaimed, feigning offence.

"Right, okay, sorry" Magnus laughed out.

Alec stood up and Magnus reached for his denim jacket, "shall we?"

Alec stilled "huh?" He furrowed his brows.

"Oh come on, you asked me out, don't bail on me now, look" he took a step closer and closed his eyes "I put gold eyeliner for you" his lips crooked into a smirk, and Alec admired the golden line skilfully painted on his eyelids.

"The gold.. Uh, the gold looks.. Really nice. With your skin tone, I mean. It's.." Alec took a deep breath, scratching the back of his neck "it's beautiful, on you I mean"

Magnus opened his eyes, humming a tune as he threw his jacket on "I've never had someone call anything about me beautiful. Thank you, Alexander" he beamed, "come on, I know an amazing place. Never crowded, delicious drinks" he jerked his head to the side before making his way towards the door and holding it open for Alec "angels first"

Alec tried to find an appropriate answer, but he only bowed his head, "I'm not an angel" he said, then walked through the door.

They walked in a comfortable silence.  
Well, it was only comfortable on Magnus' behalf, but Alec felt like he was forcing his company on the other.

"Magnus" he finally said

"Hm?" Magnus turned to look at him, but Alec kept his eyes on the ground, letting Magnus eye his godly profile.

"Do you pity me? Is that why you're here? I mean, I do have a couple of friends, so I just— I don't want you to think— I just, I don't want to force myself on you, and you know.. I just.. yeah.." Flexing his jaw, Alec shoved his hands into his pockets.

Magnus smiled.

"Listen, Alec" he said "I genuinely want to get to know you, you're interesting, you're cute, funny, and as much as I adore neat guys, I think you pull off the messy look greatly, in ways I never expected were possible" Magnus didn't miss the shy smile Alec gave his shoes as he walked slower.

"So, Mr. 1000 watt smile, no, I do not pity you, nor would I ever. I admire you if anything, usually people complain about seeing psychiatrists. You're one of a kind, aren't you?" Magnus caught sight of Alec's blush.

Alec immediately covered his face with both hands "stop it" he muttered, and Magnus laughed softly, shaking his head as he looked straight ahead.

"Come on, here's the place"

As Magnus had said, the place wasn't crowded at all, it was cozy, with mahogany coloured walls and yellow lights that gave off an extremely homey vibe. Only a couple of people sat, enthralled in their own little world.

Alec looked around. The café resembled something that came straight out of the 1860s, not that Alec has been to the 1860s, but he would've expected something like this.

"Let's sit, shall we?" Magnus walked towards the table at the far corner, Alec at his heel, then they both sat.

Alec slung his shoulder bag to the floor, eyes skimming over the cafe again with a small smile on his lips.

"What would you like?" Magnus slid the menu to Alec, reminding Alec of a much similar situation. 

"I want a mocha, double chocolate" Alec slid the menu back, and Magnus nodded, snapping his fingers.

"What can I get you two gentlemen?" 

Alec burst into a fit of _giggles_ , and both males turned to look at him, making him bite down on his lip and look down at the table, fumbling with the corner of the table mat.

Magnus licked at his lips fondly, then turned to the waiter once again, "one mocha with double chocolate and a latte, please" he gave a nod accompanied with a smile and the waiter left.

Magnus turned to Alec. "Enlighten me, darling" he began "where did that adorable giggle come from?" He interlaced his fingers, leaning forward.

Alec pressed his lips together. "Gentlemen" he sputtered, then burst out laughing again, and Magnus pursed his lips, watching him with a wide stupid grin.

That boy hurt his jaw, always making him smile wider than even he knew he could.

"Alexander" he finally said after Alec was done with his fits of laughter, and Alec looked up at him "you're so pretty when you laugh, do it more often"

Alec gave a shy nod as their drinks appeared in front of them.

"Thank you" Alec said quietly to the waiter.

Magnus smiled against the rim of his drink, then sipped and put the latte down.

**…**

Alec reached for his bag when he heard his phone ring, but froze once he caught sight of Magnus' feet.

While his own were on the foot stand of the table, Magnus had his feet tucked beneath his seat as far as possible from Alec's, and they looked extremely uncomfortable.

Alec looked up at Magnus, who was looking around with a content smile.

"Magnus"

Magnus' golden-rimmed eyes were on him.

"Why are you sitting like that?" Alec gestured beneath the table and Magnus' cheeks, for once since Alec first saw him, gained a pretty rosy tint to them as he held the mug with both hands, head hanging.

"I got scared, that maybe.. I.. Accidentally, like, bump my feet against yours or.. y'know" 

Alec's heart melted, then he bowed his head to look at Magnus' feet again.

Magnus was wearing white sandals and had matched the nail varnish on them with the colour of his eyeliner.

Magnus' toes curled shyly, and Alec looked back up at him.

"And you call me precious" he muttered, letting out a sigh.

Magnus was slightly taken aback by the sudden and straightforward compliment, but he grinned, batting his eyelashes at Alec, who snorted and shook his head lightly. 

"Let's go"


	4. Chapter 4

"Are you serious?!" Alec laughed out "oh my god!"

Magnus chuckled to himself, "as serious as can be" he smirked, "this one time, I got home super late. Like 2:30am late, and he literally made me stand outside under the downpour and ramble on about how sorry I was and how I won't ever repeat it again" 

Alec shook his head lightly, giving a crooked smirk.

"Parents tend to act like that" he mused, bowing his head to look at the ground.

Magnus sucked his lower lip in, humming lightly "what about you? What are your parents like?"

Alec smiled slightly, taking a deep breath as he looked up with a thoughtful scowl "my mom's the type of person you'd like to have as a friend, you can talk to her about whatever, but as soon as you fuck up, boom. Mom mode on and may God be with you when she's angry. She gets worried over nothing, she sometimes exaggerates and since my dad's always moving from country to country, she has to take both roles so she's working and taking max to the nursery and she's basically the strongest woman I've ever known" Alec realised that he was rambling, so he stopped and looked at Magnus, lips parted "sorry" he apologised hastily.

"No problem. Your mother seems like quite an inspirational woman" Magnus' lips tilted at the corners.

Alec came to a stop just as they approached his house. "Do you— uh, do you wanna meet her?" He asked after a few moments of hesitation "if you want I mean"

Magnus straightened his back, then looked down at his clothes "in these?" He cocked a puzzled brow and looked back up at the taller boy, "she'd suspect there's something—"

"She knows I'm gay" Alec cut in, then he glanced over Magnus' head "you don't have to if you don't want to. I don't wanna pressure you but.. I don't know" shrugging a shoulder, he looked back at Magnus, who smiled and gave a nod.

"Let's meet her then" he held his hand out "angels first"

Alec still hadn't found the right reply for that, so he repeated his "I'm not an angel" but walked towards the front door nonetheless.

Magnus knocked twice, then stood straight, as if he was in the presence of the president, hands clasped behind his back.

Alec's expression morphed into one of amusement and slight mockery "Magnus, I can assure you that you're not about to meet Hitler" he chuckled, earning an eye roll.

"The least I can do is give the _good boy, I drink milk before bed_ first impression" he cleared his throat as he heard the sound of heels getting louder.

Alec smiled at him for a few seconds.

Magnus began tugging at his shorts, trying to somehow make them longer.

"Magnus, you look perfect" Alec let out an exasperated sigh, and Magnus looked at him, giving a warm smile.

"Thank you, Alexander" he whispered, his voice as soft as his eyes were.

The door swung open "it's 8pm! Where were— oh hello" Maryse cut herself off once she caught sight of Magnus a fond grin spreading across her face, then her gaze travelled to Alec.

Alec looked down shyly.

"Hey, Mrs. Lightwood, I'm Magnus—"

"Magnus Bane?" Maryse opened the door further, and Magnus gave a small nod, stepping inside with Alec at his heel. "Ah, you were the boy who flirted with me over the phone"

Magnus parted his lips. "Oh my god" he managed to mutter, covering his face with both hands, and Maryse chuckled softly. "Don't worry about it" she assured "Alec told me all about—!" Effusing that one phrase, she earned a glare from her eldest son.

"Mom!" He gritted, making her snap her mouth shut.

Magnus smirked "oh, it's okay, Alec. Isabelle made sure I knew all about your non-stop blabbers of how utterly godly I am" he playfully winked, giving a flourish and making Alec's cheeks turn red.

"I actually never said you were _godly_ " he rolled his eyes as emphasis on the exaggerated adjective, "I just said you're angelic. Big difference"

Maryse looked mildly taken by surprise when she saw the interaction between the two. "How long have you two known each other?" She intoned in question, closing the door behind them.

"A couple of weeks"  
"We met on the 21st of September"

Magnus looked at Alec, and Alec scratched his nape sheepishly, "I had a test on that day so I kinda.. Memorised the date" he mumbled, hoping that Magnus would stop looking at him like he had just grown wings.

"I swear to god, Mrs. Lightwood" Magnus finally averted his gaze to Maryse "I'll never understand where you got this bundle of perfection from" he continued, then began ambling off.

"Oh! Call me Maryse!" Maryse called out after him "who knows? Maybe one day I'll be your mother in—"

"Mom!" Alec snapped, eyes widening momentarily in a threatening manner, and she rolled her eyes.

"Fine! Fine!" And with that, she left to get Magnus something to drink.

Alec walked after Magnus to the living room and sat down opposite him with a small smile.

"So, Alec" Magnus began as he tapped his fingernails against the armrest of the sofa, "what do you do in your free time?"

Alec shrugged "hang around, watch TV, nothing special" he set his eyes on Magnus', "wh-what about you?"

"I hang around too" Magnus smirked "not a big fan of TV though, I prefer listening to music a—"

"I love music!" Alec interjected excitedly "what type of music do you listen to?" Sitting up, Alec cupped his fist with the opposite hand, clearly relieved that he has finally found a way to start a conversation.

Magnus reclined in his seat, taking a deep breath, "no specific genre, just what I find appealing, you?"

Alec clapped his hands once "right! I like fall out boy, imagine dragons, all time low, maybe some Bon Jovi, oh! And nickelback. And oasis. I was devastated when they split up. Do you like oasis? Their music is so soothing and— do you even know them? You probably don't" furrowing his brows, Alec's questions trailed off and he looked down, embarrassed by his own outburst.

Magnus grinned, nodding rapidly, mostly because he was glad Alec was coming out of his shell.

"I actually attended one of their concerts a year before they split up. Have you ever been to a concert?" As soon as the question left Magnus' lips, silence fell and Alec looked down at his fumbling thumbs.

Magnus pressed his lips together, eyes shutting for a split second.

_You idiot._

"Crowds" Alec uttered that one word, and Magnus let out a breath.

"Alexander, I'm so sorry— I forgot. I— please forgive me" Magnus felt like a douche, his toes curled, something that caught Alec's attention, and his knees pressed together.

He just wanted the ground to swallow him.

"It's fine" Alec smiled up at him, "don't worry about it"

Maryse cut whatever Magnus was going to say off as she walked in and gave them each a mug of cappuccino, then she sat down.

Isabelle and Max joined moments later.

"Magnus, this is Izzy" Alec cut off their unvoiced awkwardness as he gestured for his younger sister "you know her" he added "and this is Max, my youngest bro"

Magnus grinned, "hello, Max. I'm Magnus" he put the mug on the coffee table and leant forward to see the little blond.

Max instantly hid behind the pillar and Magnus let out a breathy laugh "he's quite the shy one" he commented, eyes casting to Alec "reminds me of a specific someone" he winked, and Alec scoffed.

"I'm not shy!" He proclaimed, taking offence. 

"So Magnus" Maryse said, and Alec shut his eyes, knowing what was coming next "are you single?"

"Moooom" Alec drawled, burying his face in his hands.

"What? It's just a question, Alec! Chill!" 

Magnus chuckled  
"Yes, Mrs. Lightwood, I'm very much single" his eyes remained on Alec as he spoke, and Izzy smirked between the two.

"Oh, I see what's going on here" she brought her hands together and pressed the sides of her forefingers to her mouth, eyes gleaming "you went on your first date, didn't you?"

Alec gasped, lowering his hands to glower up at his sister, and Magnus watched the darkest shade of red run over his cheekbones as he shouted out a "we did not!"

"We didn't?" Magnus enquired, brow arching smugly, and Alec looked at him for a few silent moments.

"Okay, maybe" he finally exhaled, but when all eyes remained on him, he flailed his arms in annoyance "okay! fine! we did!"

**…**

**Alexander: sorry. My mom can be really embarrassing**

**Magnus: she's lovely. Absolutely adored her **

Alec smiled at the message for a couple of seconds before receiving another one,

**Magnus: hey, Alec?**

**Alexander: yeah?**

**Magnus: can I ask you something personal?**

**Alexander: sure**

**Magnus: is there a reason behind your Haphephobia?**

Alec blinked at the screen for a few seconds

**Alexander: yes**

Magnus flexed his jaw

**Magnus: would it make you uncomfortable if I ask you what it is?**

**Alexander: no**

**Magnus: what is it?**

**Alexander: I'll tell you next time I see you**

**Magnus: so you're saying there will be a next time?**

**Alexander: that's exactly what I'm saying**

**Alexander: if you want I mean**

**Alexander: no pressure**

**Magnus: Alec**

**Alexander: yeah?**

**Magnus: shut up. of course I want to.**

**…**

Alec's phone rang.

He glanced at the caller ID, the tips of his ears instantly tinting red as he nibbled the side of his thumb shyly, then he took his phone in hand, biting at his lip.

Letting his eyes skim over the room cautiously, he furtively brought the phone to his ear.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Alexander" Magnus greeted softly on the other end of the line, "how are you today?"

Alec smiled at the simple question.

"I'm good, great, I— uh, I miss you" He tested the statement with a questioning tone, then gave a small nod "yeah, I miss you"

Magnus dropped his head into his hand, unable to fathom how such an adorable boy could exist.

"I miss you too, darling" he somehow found his voice to say "actually, that's why I'm calling, would you like to go out?"

Alec sat up, instinctively slamming his books shut as he let out an exuberant “yes!” 

Magnus grinned, shaking his head lightly. 

"I mean sure, okay" Alec's tone held obviously feigned disinterest, and that made Magnus’ heart somewhat leap in his chest. "When?"

"How about right now?" Magnus glanced at his books, and Alec nodded, until he remembered that Magnus couldn't see him.

"Sure, where to?" He asked, capping his pens as he trapped the phone between his shoulder and ear.

"The movies?" Magnus proposed, and Alec fidgeted for a few long seconds before breathing out a word of approval.

**…**

"How come you've never watched the fault in our stars?" Magnus looked personally offended by the statement, "I mean, watching it makes you socially acceptable"

Alec gave a nonchalant shrug of his shoulder "too mainstream, kinda like titanic. Never watched either"

"I hate the word mainstream" Magnus scoffed, waving a hand in Alec's direction "it’s like _oh, I'm not gonna enjoy this because other people are_ "

Alec grinned "I just want to enjoy the thing when no one is fussing about how good it is. When too many people are talking about the same thing, you hate it without even checking it out" he justified, and Magnus gave a hum.

He found sense in what Alec was trying to say, "understandable" then his eyes cast to Alec's popcorn "the movie still hasn't started and you're already halfway through your popcorn, need a refill?"

Alec let out a chuckle and he shyly handed the carton to him, giving a small nod.

With a cheeky grin, Magnus took it and got up, "I'll be right back, sweetheart" and with that, he walked off.

Alec watched him till he was out of sight, a small smile on his lips. 

He couldn't understand how he deserved such an amazing person in his life. Magnus had done nothing to betray his trust, has given absolutely no reason for Alec to fear him, and he was being so patient.

Cutting himself out of his thoughts, Alec glanced around before his eyes landed on the tickets put in the pocket of the armrest.

Out of lack of entertainment, he pulled them out and began reading through them, humming softly and inattentively, his leg shaking in mild impatience. 

It was ridiculous to miss someone so fast.

Then his humming died down and he blinked twice, sitting up in slight confusion.

"Oh, god" he muttered under his breath, then quickly tucked them back in when he noticed Magnus walking back, and his eyes darted to the screen, glazed with a layer of tears.

Magnus sat down, "here you go, handsome" he chirped, placing the carton on Alec's lap carefully.

Alec held his popcorn in place, throat bobbing as he shrank back against his seat.

**…**

"How was that?" Magnus asked as they left the cinema. "Do you regret not watching it earlier because I would" he continued in a sing-song, walking backwards so he can watch Alec's expression.

Alec gave a small smile "yeah"

"Did you like it?" Magnus queried, "or is too _mainstream_ for your taste?" He jokingly added.

"It was good"

Magnus stopped walking, making Alec halt as well, his smile faltering and his eyes holding slight concern. 

"Alec, what's wrong?" He questioned, brows furrowed in confusion, "I was just teasing, I'm sorry if I—"

"I should get home" Alec interrupted, rubbing at his neck with his head bowed.

"Alexander" Magnus exhaled, making Alec inhale sharply.

His name leaving Magnus’ lips like that always knocked the air out of his lungs.

"Did I do anything to bother you?" Magnus asked, voice edged with worry, "please tell me"

"The exact opposite actually" Alec replied lowly "Magnus, I— I saw the tickets and–" he cut himself off in distress, unable to articulate more words.

Magnus looked down instantly, his hands clasping at his front almost sheepishly, as if he had anything to be ashamed of.

"I’m not mad at you" Alec quickly clarified, "oh god, I'm not mad at you one bit" he shook his head, soothing Magnus’ nervousness.

Magnus chewed on the inside of his cheek, not daring to look up and catch those beautiful hazels.

"You've just been so kind to me. You've been doing small things that make me feel so much more _secure_. And as much as I found the tucking your legs under the chair and sliding things to me adorable, you did _that_ " he gestured in the direction of the cinema "you literally bought tickets for the seats surrounding us just so I don't feel uncomfortable and I– you're– oh god, I've never felt so safe with anyone" Alec clenched his fists at his sides, and Magnus only looked down, hands playing with the stray threads of his denim shorts,

"Thank you, Magnus" Alec breathed out, "for everything you're doing to assure my comfort"

Magnus looked up, a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

"You're welcome, Alexander" he cooed gently, "if it starts getting annoying, please tell me"

Alec gave one nod, then they began walking again.

"So, the fault in our stars is your favourite movie?" Alec smirked, all traces of their previous conversation vanishing, and Magnus let out a breathless chuckle.

"Too mainstream?" He questioned, quirking a brow as he eyed his sandals.

"Not at all" Alec shook his head, then he stopped at his house and turned to Magnus.

"I'm still not over the fact you haven't watched titanic" Magnus sighed "are you human?"

"I—"

"Don't answer that, angel" Magnus cut in "I'll see you soon?" He asked, a trace of a smile still evident on his lips.

Alec gave a timid nod, and Magnus took a step back. "Take care, Alexander"

"You too, Magnus"


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for this chapter:
> 
> A panic attack and mentions of mild non-consensual sexuality.
> 
> **……**

Alec was reckless.  
He had to learn that the hard way.  
It's just that it wasn't every day he sees his friends across the street, and they wave him over.

Out of much enthusiasm and excitement, he began crossing the road, dismissing their collective shouts for him to slow down.

He thought maybe the November rain made them worry he might slip and fall on his butt, but he had absolutely no idea what was actually going on until the shriek of a car rang in his ear and he was knocked to the ground.

Nothing severe. Maybe it would bruise his side.

But once people began rushing for him, Alec felt his heart beat heavily in his chest, and out of fear, instinctively, he lifted his arms up, shielding himself.

They circled him, groping him to make sure he was okay as they questioned his safety, and Alec could feel every touch like flame to his skin, no matter how cold their hands were, no matter how soft and good-intentioned their hands were moving.

It _hurt._

He cowered in fear, trying to push back, to crawl back, his warm tears mixing with the freezing cold raindrops. But he was still sweating.

"Get away from me!" He pushed hands off himself, choking on his words before he recoiled in alarm "please don't touch me" he was downright _sobbing_ now, and although there were only a couple of people, the sensation they sent through him made him want to lurch and vomit everything he had eaten that day.

Tears began spilling down his face as Clary, Simon, and Isabelle approached them, practically prying the drivers and few pedestrians — who were passing by during the barely tangible accident — off the poor boy.

Alec stood up, his entire body shaking in absolute agitation and disgust, his knees buckling for rest.

It took him moments to ease the dizziness, the blood pounding in his ears as he tried to balance himself.

He could vaguely hear Isabelle's calls of his name, but it was as if he was underwater, he only heard panicked, muffled exclaims. He managed to figure out what she was saying, he could hear the indistinctness of her words.

_It's okay, Alec. You're safe._

The blurry reassurance had absolutely no influence on her older brother as only one thought crossed his mind. _He needed to get away._

Then he was running strenuously, the water drops dripping from his messy hair and mixing with his own warm ones. He could feel a stitch in his side, but that didn't stop him.

He felt _dirty._

And he needed his psychiatrist.

A small portion of his mind, one that cared deeply about him, was telling him to go home. That doctor Bane doesn't _care_.

Another portion told him it was too late to go there, but before he could put that thought into consideration, he was at the front door of the Bane residence, pounding his fist against it, panting for breath until he could barely get oxygen in.

The door swung open, and it was then that Alec realised it _was_ too late to be there. He stepped back.

Magnus' mother was tying her robe, her gaze holding anything _but_ annoyance. "What's wrong, dear?" Was the first thing she asked.

Alec was sobbing, horribly, hugging himself tightly as his leg shook in desperation "can I see—" he cut himself off once his throat constricted around his words, then he attempted to take a breath "can I see doctor Bane?"

Her eyes softened and she flipped a switch, making the lamp of the porch illuminate on Alec's dreadful face.

"I'm sorry sweetheart" she began kindly, "but Asmodeus is out of town, I thought he told all his clients" she stepped closer, and Alec immediately drew back, chest rising and falling in panic, arms shaking around himself.

She must've thought it was the harsh coldness of New York.

"Come here, sweetie, let's get you warm" she took yet another step and Alec flinched, stepping back again, head shaking rapidly. "No, no, no, no" he trembled, tears continuing to fall down his face, hands rubbing up and down his freezing and shivering arms.

"Mom, don't touch him"

It was confusing. The amount of comfort Alec sought in the voice, his eyes shutting briefly and his lips parting to take the much needed inhalation.

But he still found difficulty breathing, his body was still convulsing in disgust and fear.

The woman stepped back, and Magnus appeared at the doorway.

Alec hung his head in shame, sniffling as he tried to distract himself with his shoes. 

"Alexander" 

His voice was so soft, so reassuring.

"Alexander, darling"

That's all it took for Alec to let himself cry, lifting his hands and burying his face in them as he felt his chest tighten with unreleased sobs.

"Mom, can you just turn the radiators on?" Magnus asked, and she nodded, breathing out a quick "of course" before scurrying off.

"Alec, Alexander, darling, look at me" Magnus stayed in place, but ducked his head to take a look at the taller boy, "look at me"

Alec unwillingly did as told, lowering his hands in remorse, as if he was at wrong.

Magnus smiled, a small upturn of his lips as he caught Alec's eyes with his own.

"Take a deep breath for me" he crooned, trying to keep his tone neutral and calm.

Alec shut his eyes, parting his lips to take another breath.

"No, beautiful. Mouth closed, deep breath from your nose" Magnus rephrased the order, "don't you like the petrichor?"

Alec gave a small nod, then he inhaled from his nose.

"Good. Very good, now release it at the count of three" with an encouraging tone, Magnus counted to three and Alec slowly exhaled.

"Again?" Magnus offered, and Alec repeated the process a few more times, eyes closed, until his breathing and his body were both under control.

"That was great" Magnus praised "now look at me"

Alec did as told, blinking twice in a row.

"Do you trust me?" Magnus' voice was heavy with heartfelt kindness, and Alec found himself nodding frantically, anxious but eager.

Magnus clenched his jaw, his smile etching slightly further.

"I trust you too" he cooed, "now I'm going to go to the kitchen, where mom and Venus are. Do you know where my room is?" 

Alec gave a single nod, throat bobbing sorely.

"I want you to go up there, and open the closet. Find something warm to wear" Magnus proposed, his tone warm, but he managed to give it an inviting tint, as to show Alec that he had freedom of choice.

"Can I— Can I have a shower?" Alec quavered, lower lip trembling "please" he added quickly.

"Of course you can" Magnus intoned in obviousness, "the bathroom is down the hall from my room. Text me when you're done, yeah?"

Alec gave a small nod and Magnus turned around and walked away without further word.  
Alec looked around him cautiously before stepping into the house and quietly shutting the door behind him. He made his way up the stairs, frowning at every puddle of water he created with each step.

**…**

**Alexander:** **I'm done**

Magnus nodded at the text before standing up and leaving the kitchen, turning the lights off on his way out.

When he reached his room, he knocked a few times, then heard a low "it's your room, you don't have to knock" 

Magnus smiled slightly and pushed the door open before stepping inside.

Alec was standing, wearing one of Magnus' pyjamas that never really fitted Magnus, but was perfect on him.

He noted the way Magnus was scrutinising every part of him, so he cleared his throat sheepishly, scratching the back of his towel dried hair.

Magnus blinked and shook his head lightly, then set his eyes on Alec's.  
"Sleep" he said simply, and Alec's cheeks turned a nice shade of red.

"I'm sorry for coming over at this time" he began "I had nowhere to go, and home was the last place I want to be. I should've put the time into consideration" he offered his apology, but still made his way to the bed.

Magnus reclined in the seat of his desk, keeping as much distance as possible between the two as he turned the radio on.

When the familiar intro of _stop crying your heart out_ echoed through the silent room, Alec made a small pleased sound and cuddled further against the duvet.

Magnus sat back, closing his eyes with a smile as he interlaced his hands at his midriff.

Halfway through the song, Magnus' eyes began drooping with exhaustion, so he yawned and let out a small "goodnight"

"Magnus" Alec instantly said, prompting Magnus' eyes open.

"Hm?"

Alec pushed himself further against the wall and lifted the duvet invitingly.

Magnus clenched his jaw, looking at the spot, then he lifted his eyes to Alec and hesitantly let out an "are you sure?"

Alec nodded.

Magnus walked towards the bed, paused in a moment of reluctance, then slipped into bed next to him.

Alec's eyes remained closed as he gave an easy smile.  
"Goodnight, Magnus"

"Goodnight, Alexander" Magnus whispered, and the sound of the music lulled them both to sleep.

**…**

Alec stretched his arms over his head and rolled over, burying his face in the pillows before easing his eyes open.

He lay on his back again, looking up at the ceiling as he let the memories of the night before sink in, a small simper caressing his lips.

"Good morning, handsome" 

Alec rubbed his fists against his eyes before turning to look at Magnus, who was doing his makeup at the mirror.

He watched him for a couple of seconds, then spoke up  
"I think you look beautiful without the.. Makeup"

Magnus smiled to himself then looked at Alec "and with?"

"That too" Alec replied shyly before slipping out of bed.

He lazily ambled towards the wardrobe as he unbuttoned the flannel pyjama top, then shrugged it off. And Magnus couldn't help but look at him through the mirror with an approving frown.

"How're you feeling?" His attention was back on his eyeliner as he spoke.

"I'm feeling great, uh.. where are my clothes?" Turning to Magnus, Alec furrowed his brows, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Sorry, gorgeous, had to throw them into the washing machine" Magnus replied, "you can either hang around half naked or go home half naked, it's up to you" a small smirk grazed his lips as Alec's entire upper body turned bright red.

"I— uh, I'll.. I'll just hang around half naked. If you don't mind, of course" Alec hurried to say, and Magnus let out a half-suppressed cackle of laughter.

"Darling, I'm just teasing" he smirked through the mirror, "take whatever you like from the wardrobe" 

Alec happily did as told.

**…**

"Come on, Alexander" Magnus said softly, and Alec looked up from his laying position on the hammock, Venus asleep on top of him.

"Come on what?" He asked, blinking a few times.

"Come on let's go" magnus gave a small smile as he watched Alec's disappear.

"But Venus is asleep and.." Alec ran his fingers through her fur gently "I don't wanna wake her" 

Magnus let out a soft, dreamy sigh, then snapped his fingers and began calling out Venus's name. 

She immediately perked up and ran for him. 

"We'll take her with us" Magnus grinned, and Alec sat up almost instantly, stood, and made his way towards the duo.

The walk home was quite comforting. Silent, but comforting. 

"I told you I'd tell you what happened that caused—" 

"You don't have to" Magnus cut in to reassure "if you don't want to, you really don't have to"

Alec looked down at his shoes as he walked, then he looked up, straight ahead, determination set in his eyes.

"I had a friend" he began "she was… well, she was the true definition of a friend back then" licking at his lips, Alec's jaw clenched, and Magnus saw it.

"She was really kind, and funny, and she was just there whenever I needed her. But then she kinda became… possessive. She'd hate the fact I'm walking with others, or she'd try to show my friends that I'm practically her property. Then I found out she had this major fucking crush on me" 

Magnus was slightly taken by surprise when Alec uttered that profanity.

"But she was still my best friend. We've been friends since kindergarten, so I decided to ignore it. She didn't know I knew, but I did, and I chose to just… turn a blind eye to it" smiling sadly, Alec clasped his hands behind his back, only to rub at them in case he began getting anxious.

"When I had my first crush, I was 14" smirking to himself, Alec glanced up at the sky with a squinted eye, "he was, for some odd reason, what I imagined as a knight. Blond, pretty green eyes, tan skin, but he was a guy. I was terrified, I thought maybe he had feminine features, but two weeks later I got this big ass crush on Thackery Binx from Hocus Pocus" Alec burst into a fit of chuckles, and Magnus found himself laughing as well, shaking his head lightly.

"Thackery Binx is so good looking. Damn, Alexander, you had quite an exquisite taste in boys, didn't you?" Magnus fought the urge to bump into Alec's side jokingly, but kept his playful tone on.

Alec smirked, "I still do" he turned to look at Magnus, and when his eyes skimmed over his body, Magnus felt his cheeks turn hot and he looked away, smile not separating his face.

"Anyways" Alec breathed out, a mild smirk grazing the corner of his lips "I told her. I thought that by the time she would've been.. well, over me" shutting his eyes tightly for a few seconds, Alec swallowed down a lump in his throat "but she got mad. She said that it was a _phase,_ she told me things that I only expected my parents to tell me, things like _gay is wrong_ and it's _just the hormones._ I thought she'd be more open-minded than my parents, but apparently, I was wrong" By the time he finished the sentence, Alec was already apprehensively rubbing at his hands, feeling the burn run through them "she began…"

Magnus shut his eyes, perceiving what might've happened. "Alec, you don't have to" he whispered shakily.

"We were at her house at the time. She told me her parents were out, and told me that we should study together since we had a French exam the next day" Alec's voice became raspy, croaky, as if he was on the verge of tears.

But Magnus didn't dare glance at him and see him crying. After the day before, he didn't think he could bear seeing it again. 

"And she began doing those things" Alec breathed out disbelievingly, like he still couldn't fathom _why_ she had done what she did "she kissed me, and she— she began to… touch places…" Alec was starting to get uncomfortable, his nails now dug into his skin as his toes rubbed against each other in his shoes.

"Alec, it's okay, you really don't have to" Magnus tried, he really did, but Alec kept on talking.

"I told her no, so many times but she just… didn't listen" Alec stilled for a second, and Magnus let out a breath he just then knew he held. "And I can't even… I can't even touch myself without thinking of her" 

Magnus stilled then, his blood freezing in his veins as he stood. "Did she rape you?" He asked, as stern as Alec had ever heard him talk.

Alec gave a small shake of his head "no" he said, voice small "but she managed to crawl her way into my head. Magnus, are you okay?" 

Magnus let out a breathless laugh. "Am _I_ okay? Are _you_ okay, Alec?" Magnus stepped closer, but not too close to make Alec feel uncomfortable.

"Why wouldn't I be?" Alec shyly replied, and Magnus looked up at him to catch his eye. 

"I saw you rub at your hands" he stated, "show me" 

Alec didn't move then, his head hung, ashamed.

"Please" Magnus pleaded kindly, prompting Alec to unclasp his hands at the small of his back and hold them out. Red, sore, a few scratch marks. 

Magnus ached to kiss them. 

"Alexander" he murmured lowly, lifting his eyes to look at him, "put olive oil on that" he ordered, "and if you don't, we're not texting today" holding up a threatening finger, he tried to muster up a menacing tone, failing miserably.

Alec gave a small chortle, then nodded slowly. "Yes, sir" he saluted. 

"Have a nice evening, beautiful" Magnus squeezed his eyes fleetingly with a grin, and Alec nodded again. 

"I will" he said "you too" 

It felt like there was something that had to be done, but none of it involved verbal actions. 

Alec looked around, not wanting to leave, and Magnus let out a breathy exhale. 

"I guess I should go now" Alec spoke up.

"I guess so" Magnus nodded once, and Alec bit at his lip.

"Okay" he said quietly, then turned around and walked through the front gates of his home. 

Magnus only smiled after him until he was safely inside.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if any of the readers are called Nina :(
> 
> **……**

"What's got you so happy?" Jace asked as he walked through the living room, munching on a chocolate bar. 

Alec looked up, but couldn't even attempt to falter his smile as he tried to deny how happy he was.

"Oh don't give me that" Jace immediately cut his bs off, "you're much happier these days and—" cutting himself off with a sniff, Jace smirked "is that cologne I smell?" 

Alec's cheeks turned red and Jace shut his eyes briefly to fight off the urge to hug him. 

"Are you seeing someone, Alexander?" Jace grinned widely and sat down on the coffee table, setting his eyes on his eldest brother. 

Alec began to ramble, scratching the back of his head shyly. 

"Alec, you're not making sense" Jace rolled his eyes, and Alec snapped his mouth shut.

"Yeah" he finally breathed out "I'm not sure if we're… anything yet, but he—" Alec cut himself off with a heavy sigh "he's so perfect, Jace" 

Jace's expression softened a tenuous bit and he leant forward, "tell me about him" 

And Alec did, he told him everything. By the end of his speech, Jace had a big grin on his face and was watching Alec in interest. 

"You really like the guy, don't you?" 

Alec began fiddling with his fingers, cheeks gaining heat. Then he nodded. "Yeah" 

"I'm glad you found someone" Jace's voice sounded genuine, and Alec couldn't help but smile. 

"Thank you" he said "how are you and Clary?" 

Jace waved him off "ah, you don't wanna hear about that" 

But Alec insisted, and they ended up being _those_ siblings who talk about their relationships all night long.

**…**

"Hey, hi, hello, I…" Alec trailed off.

Why did he _always_ have to ramble on in greetings? 

Magnus smiled slightly, "hello, Alexander" he said kindly, and Alec buried his face in his pillows, trying to ease the butterflies swarming in his stomach. "How are you?" 

"I'm okay" Alec replied almost instantly "I'm great, how are you?" He needed to keep the conversation going. He had to at least put up a fight and try. 

"I'm fabulous, darling" Magnus murmured calmly, making Alec shut his eyes as he inhaled. 

"Can't disagree on that" he whispered, and Magnus let out a soft chuckle that easily made it to Alec's _top 5 best sounds in the world_ , alongside Magnus' voice, Magnus' singing, Magnus' humming, and another thing Magnus most likely does.

"You're absolutely exquisite yourself, my dear" Magnus said, cutting Alec out of his thoughts. Alec's cheeks turned hot, and he fought the urge to re-bury his face in the pillow as he began to rub at the scruff that he was far too lazy to shave. 

"Thank you" He finally said, "what are you up to?" 

Magnus admired Alec's attempt to keep the conversations going. It was _adorable_ to say the least.

"Not much, sweetheart" Magnus' nicknames for Alec were going to be the death of the shyer one, "just talking to the kindest—"

"Magnus" Alec groaned 

"Most adorable—"

"Don't" 

"Most beautiful man I have ever encountered" Magnus finished short, a smirk playing on his lips. 

Alec fell silent for a few moments, hand covering his flaming face. "Shut up and stop talking to yourself then" 

A wave of laughter took over Magnus and he shook his head fondly. "God, you're a little devil, aren't you?" 

"You called me an angel not long ago" Alec retorted, eyes bugging at his own sudden sociality. 

Magnus hummed gently, crossing his legs as he leant against his headboard. "Isn't it too late for you to be up?" 

"Hypocrite" Alec replied, "you're the one who has school tomorrow" 

"Last day of school" Magnus corrected instantly "…then I'm all yours" 

The statement was supposed to revolt Alec. It sounded much more suggestive than he was used to, regardless the fact he knew Magnus didn't mean it like that. 

But it really only made him warm and fuzzy inside. God, he was far gone. 

"Good" Alec finally said "because I… I miss you"

"I miss you too" Magnus responded, "so much" 

Alec's heart made a small jump in his chest and he sunk under the sheets with a small sound.

"Do you want to… uh, go out… with me? Tomorrow?" Alec sounded so unsure, and it only broke Magnus' heart to a zillion small pieces. 

"How can I turn down such a lovely offer?" Magnus thrummed "yes, of course I'd like to go out with you tomorrow, there's no one else I'd rather be with" 

Alec curled up with a smile, his breathing audible through the line as he closed his eyes.

And they stayed silent, just listening to each other breathing until they fell asleep.

**…**

"Ah, ah, ah" Alec laughed out, "open your mouth, I wanna drop it in" he held up red skittle and Magnus tilted his head back, opening his mouth wide.

Alec plopped it inside, then burst out laughing.

"Hey! That was the yellow one!" Magnus exclaimed, earning a smirk from Alec. 

"It waaaas" Alec drawled teasingly, and Magnus shook his head lightly with a smile. 

"Alexander" 

Alec turned to look at him, his smirk replaced with a small shy smile. 

"I hope you know that you're strong" 

Alec's smile fell, and he blinked a few times, clearly taken by surprise.

"You're so very strong, Alec. So kind, and so funny and so.." Magnus was talking to himself now "so beautiful, and fun, and…"

"Is this the part where you say 'it's not you, it's me' then leave me?" Alec's voice held a trace of humour, but they both knew he was being serious. 

"No" Magnus shook his head once, then looked him dead in the eye, nearly catching him off-guard "I just wanted you to hear it, that you're enough, that you're perfect and, and you deserve everything this world can give you" 

Alec looked down at the grass, his throat bobbing as he gulped. 

"Thank you" he managed to say "it really means a lot" 

Magnus smiled, looking at him for a few seconds before clapping his hands. "So! How's the imaginary situations going?" 

Alec shrugged "no progress" he said "I always end up hyperventilating" 

Magnus flexed his jaw. "Want advice?" He finally said. 

When Alec nodded, Magnus sat up. "I say you hold onto the image of someone you love and trust" he began "it'll help, reassure you that you're safe" 

Alec blinked 

"And strong" Magnus added.

Alec smiled, a wide toothy grin that made his eyes gleam. "Thank you" 

Magnus shrugged "no problem, beautiful"

**…**

"Hello, Alec" Asmodeus greeted smoothly, and Alec smiled, sitting back comfortably, "hey, doc" he replied in a soft tone. 

Asmodeus smiled back, giving a light nod "are you ready?" Lifting his gaze from his book, he set his eyes on Alec, and Alec bit at his lower lip nervously.

"Yeah— Yeah, I'm ready" he answered.

_Not even a little_

"Good" Asmodeus stood up and walked towards the door before shutting it.

Alec's heart began rapidly beating in his chest as he blinked to regain focus.

"Okay" Asmodeus began again "I need you to close your eyes, Alec."

Alec took a deep breath and did as told, resting back into the cushions as he evened his breath.

"Good" Asmodeus praised lightly “now, take a deep breath” his voice was becoming softer, and it was beginning to unnerve Alec. 

"We’ll start with simple situations" Alec found himself drawn into the voice. 

So soft, and placid.  
He could almost sleep. 

"Alec, you're walking through your school hallway” Asmodeus said “and it's full of people"

Alec flexed his jaw, his eyelashes fluttering as he gulped apprehensively.

"And you're brushing against them while trying to find your way to your locker"

Alec stilled, his breathing starting to turn shallow as he pictured it, his hands tightening on his jeans.

"Deep breath, Alec"

Doing as told, Alec's fists remained clenched against his lap, his jaw flexed anxiously.

"You get to your locker, and you take your books out"

Alec rummaged through his mind to find someone. Someone to hold onto. Just like Magnus had taught him.

"You turn around, Alec. and you see a friend of yours" Asmodeus' voice became distant as he spoke "Jace, maybe?"

Alec nods rapidly, his chest rising and falling. 

His head was creating a collage, and he was throwing pictures to the side. 

"You fist-bump him. Skin against skin, Alec"

A wave of hotness took over Alec's body and he began to tremble.

"Deep breath, Alec. He isn't going to hurt you"

Alec's breathing remained heavy, leaving his lungs in violent pants "I can't…"

"You _can_. Deep breath, Alec. You have control, you can control yourself"

Alec took several deep breaths, his palms sweaty as he relaxed back against the cushions, hearing Magnus' voice in the back of his head.

_You're strong._

**…**

"Mom! It's not fair!" Izzy shouted, stomping her foot childishly. 

"No, it's very fair" Maryse replied "stop being selfish" 

"How am I being selfish?" Izzy snapped "we always have one!" 

"What's going on here?" Alec walked in, rubbing at his eyes tiredly.

"Nothing, honey—"

"Mom said no party this year!" Izzy cut her mother off "we always have a party, mom! Our house is one of the biggest! It's not fair!" 

Maryse rolled her eyes 

"It isn't fair" Alec endorsed his younger sister "I say we do that party" 

"I second that!" Jace yelled out, and Maryse eyed Alec. 

"But what about—"

"It's fine" Alec cut in, making her purse her lips. 

"We'll see"

**…**

"Are you sure you're okay with this?" Maryse asked "with your condition—"

"It hasn't bothered me before, mom. This is like tradition to Izzy. She needs a party, it's okay. I can handle myself" Alec smiled, hoping that it would reassure her, and when she smiled back, he knew that it was fine.

He also may have invited Magnus to the party since— well, since Magnus was the only guy Alec trusted, the only one he could be around without feeling his anxiety kick in.

There Alec was, standing on the stairs, watching people interact with envious eyes. 

Alec really wished he could be so casual, he wished he could dress nicely every day, and go out, and… and shake hands with friends, and hug, and party and laugh. 

He wasn't one to question life, but he couldn't help but think _why me?._

Out of everyone, he was the odd one out, he was the outcast, the unsociable one. 

He looked at Izzy, who was receiving a piggyback from Simon, and he found himself smiling before his eyes travelled to Jace. 

Jace was standing with a couple of friends, laughing and clapping like a maniac. 

It wasn't jealousy. It was envy. He was coveting the personalities Jace and Izzy had, but he knew that if he had the choice to switch positions with one of them, and let either of them suffer the way he was, he'd without doubt say no. He loved them.

He was having an okay night, watching from afar, hoping that Magnus would make his appearance. 

"Hey, bro" Jace beamed "need anything?" 

Alec was sitting on one of the steps, and when he looked up, a lazy smile appeared on his lips and he gave a light shake of his head "I'm fine" he said.

"You sure? Need company?" 

"No" Alec immediately answered "I'm okay, go, have fun, shoo" giving a dismissive wave of his hand, Alec gave a jovial laugh that made Jace smile before walking away. 

Another half an hour, and Isabelle stood in front of him. 

"Hey, big bro" 

Alec sighed and shut his phone, wanting nothing more than to leave for his room and go to sleep. "Iz, please leave me alone" 

"Oh, nah ah ah, I just bumped into someone" Izzy grinned, "someone special" she drawled out the second word, and Alec couldn't think of anyone special except Magnus 

His Magnus. 

He looked up, and as soon as he caught sight of the person, he blanched, and his eyes widened, unblinking. 

"Weren't you two best friends back in secondary school?" Izzy grinned "he's grown so much, right?" Izzy turned to the girl, and she gave a small nod, accompanied with a smile.

Alec stood to his full height, his breath starting to quicken, his heart palpitating rapidly for release. "I— I need— I—"

"Oh, come on" Izzy rolled her eyes "you two haven't seen each other in ages, talk. Right, Nina?" 

_Nina_

Alec closed his eyes tightly, shaking his head from one side to the other pleadingly. "Izzy, please—"

Izzy was gone. And Alec was left with Nina. And all the memories she had scarred into his mind. 

Nina. 

Nina. 

He remembered the amount of times he called out that name as he tried to push her off. The amount of times he called out that name when she kept on… Alec couldn't think about it. 

He couldn't breathe. He was on the verge of a panic attack. 

Looking around for any help, Alec held onto the railing, eyes scanning through the crowd with only one name in mind. 

_Magnus._

"Alec, I need to talk to you" Nina said, but Alec's eyes refused to meet hers. "Please" 

"Get away from me" Alec breathed out, "please just go. Go. Go. Go" squeezing his eyes shut, his grip on the railing tightened. 

"Alec I want to apologise" 

Alec stilled. 

"Apologise?" He whispered, turning his head to look at her "apologise?" He asked again, this time higher and holding a tad bit more mockery.

"Yes" she nodded once "we were young, I was stupid, I—"

"I go to the psychiatrist because of you!" Alec shouted, but drew no attention as the music drained his voice. 

Nina bit at her lip. 

"A sorry won't do shit" Alec shook his head "you're twisted. I came out to you, I came to you. I wanted help, advice, reassurance, I wanted anything, but all you gave me was tainted memories. Don't for a second think that a simple sorry would do, Nina" he'd never been so harsh with anyone. But Nina. Oh, he was close to throttling her. "You hurt me" 

"I know" Nina replied instantly "we were fourteen, Alec! I didn't know what I was doing!"

"I knew what _I_ was doing!" Alec shrilled, "and I knew what _you_ were doing" clenching his fists at his sides, tears began to well up in his eyes. "You scarred me" 

"I know" bowing her head, Nina shut her eyes "I know, and— and nothing can make up for what I did, I was just so blinded and—"

"Don't" Alec cut in "just don't" 

She snapped her mouth shut. 

"Don't ever, and I mean ever, talk to me again" Alec said, barely audible over the loud Spanish pop song, "I don't want to see you again" 

With that last sentence leaving his lips, Alec turned around and made his way up the stairs and to his room.


	7. Chapter 7

Alec was sitting on the roof, watching people come and go as he glumly wished he hadn't taken pity on his siblings. He wished he hadn't convinced his mother to allow them to throw the party. 

Selfish, yes. But Alec never thought about himself. He always wanted to make people around him happy, and now that he thought about it, everyone around him was happy while he was just… sad. 

He never expected Nina to be capable of worming her way into his life again. But there she was, proving him absolutely wrong.

"I didn't take you for a night owl, darling" 

Alec evidently relaxed at the voice, his eyes shutting and his shoulders slacking.   
"Magnus" he breathed out.

"May I join you?" Magnus asked from the window, and Alec gave an almost eager nod before Magnus was seated next to him. 

"Sorry I'm late" he said, "I couldn't find the right thing to wear" 

"You can wear a trash bag and you'd look beautiful" Alec instantly replied, and Magnus' smile broadened as he straightened his jacket. 

"Why thank you, gorgeous" he said gently, then glanced up at the sky. "So, why the long face?" 

Alec looked down instantly, his lips forming a small unconscious pout as he began to contemplate what to say next.

"I saw Nina" 

The name wasn't familiar to Magnus' ears, but the way Alec said it made it… predictable.

"She apologised" 

Magnus scoffed, and Alec felt a smirk tug at the corner of his lips "my reaction too. I was beginning to think I went a little too hard on her" 

Magnus stilled. "You… did you… what did you..?" 

"I told her that sorry won't erase what she's done to me" Alec replied flatly, and Magnus turned to look at him, a proud smile on his face. 

"And?" 

"And she began making excuses. That we were young and stupid" Alec shrugged a shoulder, as if none of this affected him in any way.

Magnus let out a loud bark of laughter. "You're not serious" he cried out, tilting his head up with an incredulous look on his face. "The nerve! Tell me you're lying!"

"I'm not" Alec laughed out "I'm not" his laugh died down, and the next second, his tears began spilling down his face, unconsciously, but Alec still didn't have the effort to lift his hands and wipe them away.

It was a little surprising. The last time Alec had cried in the company of someone else, excluding his panic attack at Magnus' door, he was only 12, and he felt so ashamed after it that he told his mother to never speak of it again. 

But after he met Magnus, after he went on all those dates with him and talked to him about anything that came to mind, from animals to books to food, and at some point, they even fought about whether it was okay to wear odd socks (and Magnus backed up his argument well, winning the bet and getting ice-cream in return), Alec began trusting him in ways he'd never trusted anyone before. 

Alec trusted his family. He loved them. But not enough to tell them his secrets, not enough to feel comfortable talking about silly things like how cute it is when fish open and close their mouths, or how annoyingly funny the maggot from the corpse bride was. But with Magnus, Everything was different. He was him, and Magnus was like a part of him that knew every little detail about him. What type of toothpaste he used, what his favourite Skittles colour was, and what songs lull him to sleep at night. It was terrifying how much Magnus knew him, but it only put Alec at ease, made him feel wanted and… loved. It made him feel loved. 

Magnus saw the stream of tears running down Alec's face, and he had to clench his fists to hold back from stroking the tears away. Along with every memory accompanying them. 

"Alexander" he said, gently, breathily, trying to somehow ease the pain.

"Hm?" Alec wiped at his face with the back of his sleeve, "yeah?" 

"Do you forgive her?" Magnus didn't have the chance to reevaluate the question, and once it was out, he knew he may have gotten Alec angry.

Alec was knocked back on his heels, and he promptly whipped his head to look at Magnus with wide eyes. "Are you kidding me?" His voice heightened furiously and Magnus blinked twice in a row before opening his mouth to start explaining himself.

"No" Alec cut in "no, I don't forgive her. She fucking _hurt me!_ "

Magnus fell silent, bowing his head contritely.

"Just go" Alec sounded defeated, tired, but mostly, the disappointed tone to his voice made Magnus cringe.

"Alexander, I understa—"

"You don't!" Alec barked harshly, his voice, although angry, quavering in realisation, "you don't understand anything. Don't give me that crap" clenching his jaw, he looked straight ahead, "you don't know what anything’s like, Magnus. You're this gorgeous, confident and ostentatious guy. You're blithe, you don't have _anything_ to worry about in your life. Don't act like you know what I'm going through because you don't."

The silence after that was deafening, and Alec chanced a single glance at Magnus, catching sight of his hurt expression and contracted jaw. 

"Okay" Magnus breathed out, letting his shoulders slack, "okay" he repeated, giving a small understanding nod. "You're angry, and you're not in your right mind. That's okay" his eyes didn't leave the horizon, but the way his voice trembled as he spoke made Alec realise how wrong he was to assume he knew anything about what Magnus may have underwent during his upbringing, what he may have endured to become such a sanguine and sumptuous man. 

"Look, Magnus—"

"Save it" Magnus' words were like salt to a wound, and the vitriolic resonance woven in those two words sent a jolt of pain straight through Alec's chest. "I know you think you know everything about me. Maybe you think that the fact my father's a psychiatrist makes me _oh so laid back_ and peppy with absolutely nothing to worry about except how bright the sunshine is in my overly cheerful and indifferent mind, that because he can shrink me whenever the fuck he wants, my life is full of rainbows and beauty. But you don't know the half of it" he bit out mordantly. Then he inhaled deeply and shut his eyes. 

"You don't know a thing about me. I know what you see, you see this confident, strong, flirtatious guy, who only cares about his shorts and what colour eyeliner he's going to wear. I know that because that's what I want you to see. But to be quite frank, you have absolutely no fucking clue what I have been through, nor what has caused me to become the man I am today. People have to move on, Alexander" 

_Alexander. Finally._   
Alec was starting to believe that Magnus was only talking to himself.

"I know how hard it must've been for you. I can't say I've experienced it, because I haven't, and I hope to god I never will and you won't have to go through it again, but you're bound to move on. You have to. It'll make you stronger, it'll form a piece of the man you'll be one day. The strong, great and amazing man you'll become. It'll be hard. I know. And I'm not romanticising the process of overcoming your phobia, I'm only trying to ease your worries and let you know that you're not alone in this, and I will be with you through every damn step because I want you to be able to—" Magnus cut himself off with a defeated sound, and his voice considerably lowered to a whisper as he spoke the following sentence "because I want you to be able to look at yourself one day and see the exact same brave man I see in you." 

Alec said nothing, he only began to rub at his hands nervously, almost as if he was punishing himself for what he presumed without stern evidence to back up his words.

Everything Magnus had said was right. He had to move on. He was bound to move on. But all those endearing compliments he threw in there made Alec's face flush, his eyes water and his frown deepen. He couldn't fathom how such a kindhearted, calm man could exist. He couldn't understand why he deserved to have Magnus in his life. In _his_ life, caring for him and sharing silly jokes with him, and just looking at him the way he did. With those beautiful eyes and that heartfelt smile. 

Alec found himself scratching at his hands, and Magnus caught the action too.

"Stop that" he snapped, prompting a small sound from Alec's throat, whose hands immediately stopped moving.

Magnus let out a shaky breath from his lips, biting back his urge to apologise. 

Alec only sat there, looking at his lap with a repentant arc of his neck. He was too embarrassed to apologise, so he began fiddling with his thumbs, twirling them around each other to distract himself from the uncomfortable tension threatening to swallow the air around them. 

And a minute later, he looked up to try starting a conversation. 

But Magnus was gone. And Alec had never felt so alone.

** • • • **

"Yo, Magnus! Where's Alec?" Izzy shouted out. 

Magnus spared her a single glance, then trailed his gaze towards the girl standing next to her. 

"How rude of me!" Izzy grabbed the girl and walked her towards Magnus. 

"This is Nina" she introduced "a friend of Alec's. Nina, this is Magnus, also a friend of Alec's" 

Magnus gave a bitter smile. "Ah, I highly believe Nina and I have divergent definitions of what friendship is" his words weighed with bittersweet kindness, and he held his hand out to greet her. 

Nina stared at his hand, then looked up at him, a trace of panic passing her features as she shook his hand, a small fake smile on her lips. 

Izzy looked a little confused. 

"Isabelle, darling" Magnus turned to her "care to get me a drink before I go home?" He asked, giving her a wink, and Isabelle straightened her back with a broad grin. "Of course!" 

Magnus turned back to Nina, his lips forming a straight line. "Do you find any of this amusing?" He asked, all menace seeping through his tone and bleeding onto his words. "Do you think any of this is amusing?" He waved his hands around him.

Nina gulped down a nervous lump in her throat. "Magnus, it was a long time ago" 

"And does that change what you've done?" Magnus cocked a brow "does it change the fact Alexander is incapable of thinking, or touching anyone without thinking of your filthy fingers all over him?" Taking a step closer, he gritted his teeth, and she blinked before taking a deep breath. 

"You have no right to speak to a girl like that" is all she managed to backfire with, and Magnus caught himself breathing out a small chuckle, then throwing his head back with a louder, acidic laugh, no trace of humour found in his maniacal chortle. 

"Why?" Is all he asked after he recovered from his fits. 

"Because females are weaker" Nina only made herself sound stupider, unrealistically dumb. 

"Weaker?" Magnus' brows rose in bogus interest "oh, but dear, that didn't exactly stop you from forcing yourself on Alec, did it?" Magnus' rhetoric question shocked Nina to absolutely no extent. And she found herself stumbling back. 

"Here's your drink, m'lord!" Izzy approached Magnus with a drink in hand, and Magnus put on his fake smile again. 

"Oh, darling" he feigned a disappointed look "I just remembered I'll be driving" tutting his tongue once, he handed the drink to Nina "drink for the both of us, maybe it'll purge our sins" he looked her over once, degradingly, then turned around and left the party, stony countenance never leaving his face.


	8. Chapter 8

"Alec. Deep breath. Deep breath, no one will hurt you—" 

Alec opened his eyes and shot up. "I can't do this" he whispered. "I can't do this anymore" he felt weak. He felt unwanted and he couldn't hang on to an image of someone who fought with him only a week before. "Can I— I need some air… can I–"

"Go ahead, Alec" 

And Alec rushed out the room, down the stairs, and to the porch, where he sat down and burrowed his face in his hands.

His breathing was unnaturally fast, but he kept his tears under control, not wanting to look as weak as he felt.

He rested his chin on his palms and looked straight ahead, smiling slightly at nothing in particular. He just sat there, taking deep breaths until his mind was under control.

"Good evening, Alexander" 

Alec hated it. He hated how much that velvety voice managed to put him at ease, how much he craved to hear it every single second of every single day. He hated how attached he was.   
And he hated how much he loved it.

"Good evening" he replied, voice composed but low. 

Magnus took a few steps and sat down next to him. "Are you okay, darling?" 

"No" Alec instantaneously answered, eyes closing "no, Magnus, I'm not okay. And I don't think I can do this. Any of this" 

Magnus remained silent for a few moments, to the point where Alec thought he may've left again. 

"Want a smoke?" Magnus finally queried, and Alec let out a sigh of relief, giving the tiniest of nods.

And Magnus passed him a packet.

"So tell me, darling. What's going on?" Magnus' voice was as gentle as usual, and as much as Alec tried to rummage through his mind to find something more soothing than it, it was all pointless. 

He took a drag of his cigarette, not daring to turn and look at him, then blew it out slowly.

"I don't think I can continue seeing Dr. Bane. There's no progress and I'm starting to believe he's losing hope in me as well" licking at his lips, Alec turned to steal a glance at Magnus, and when he saw that Magnus was already looking at him, he instantly looked away.

"My dad never loses hope in anyone, Alexander" Magnus stated, "and he knows, as much as I do, how strong you are. How brave and courageous you are to still be standing after what you've gone through"

Alec felt his heart leap in his chest, and he couldn't stop the smile from spreading across his face at the mere thought of having not only one amazing man, but two, cheering him on.

"Have you ever been bullied?" Magnus' tone turned joyous, casual, not flippant in any way, but just carefree. 

"No" Alec replied "never" then he flipped the cigarette to the floor, and Magnus stomped on it before he had the chance to.

"I have" Magnus said, "I grew up being manhandled" before Alec could begin to apologise, Magnus started talking again. 

"I was… 4th grade when it started" He said "a few classmates found a barbie doll in my locker" laughing softly, Magnus shook his head in ridicule "I was only what? Eleven? I was still discovering myself, and I remember the day I found the doll and begged my dad to get it, because it came with dresses and heels and, well, I had quite a huge interest in fashion" another chuckle escaped him, bitter and holding no trace of humour. "They didn't like that"

Alec watched him as he spoke, his heart quickening in pace as he saw Magnus’ eyes shine with unshed tears. 

"It was verbal at first" Magnus whispered "they called me a faggot" 

Alec's eyes closed momentarily.

"A homo, a puff… I used to go home and run to mom" smiling fondly, Magnus turned to look at Alec, "and I would cry my heart out. She'd give me treats until I calmed down, then tell me how strong I was" his lips tilted up further and he shook his head lightly. 

Alec watched him. 

"When I got to highschool, however" he sang out under his breath "I wasn't so convenient, my classmates were there as well, and it wasn't verbal anymore" Magnus slowly ran his fingers through his hair "I was beaten, laughed at, picked on, I almost got driven over once, and one of them even threw glitter on me" 

Alec furrowed his brows, but didn't dare say a word. 

"And to his dismay, I liked it. And I began putting glitter on myself, colourful, marvellous glitter, which only seemed to burn his joke and anger him further" 

Alec bit his tongue to hold back from telling Magnus that the glitter was absolutely beautiful on him. 

"Makeup came next" Magnus smirked "I was me, and I wasn't going to hide that" 

"I got a friend later on, who invited me to his birthday party one day. A little suspicious, but I didn't really pay much mind to it at the time" licking at his lips, Magnus shut his eyes and averted his head up to the sky, inhaling sharply "I went to the party, and I was shoved in a tight closet for 5 hours straight, the next couple of weeks, I was shoved into lockers, in the janitor's cupboards, anywhere small" 

Alec didn't want to think about what that was like. He couldn't even bear thinking about little Magnus, trapped in places where no one heard him.

"I cried for help so many times" Magnus' voice trembled, and he let one tear fall down his cheek as he pressed his lips together to hold back any uninhibited sobs. "No one came" 

Alec opened his mouth. "Magnus" 

"Claustrophobia" Magnus said before Alec could give his sorrys.

Alec swallowed. 

"I didn't have it at the time, but the repetition of being locked in small places for hours at a time formed this fear inside me. I couldn't stay in tight places for too long, I couldn't even play seven minutes in heaven" he tried to joke, but the way his words quavered at the end of the sentence gave it all away. "So… I guess that's my sad story"

Alec didn't know what to say, or what to do.

He'd never been bullied, and he didn't want to know what it was like to go to a place where you feel unsafe, where you have every right to feel unsafe, and getting teased for just being yourself.

So he did what he thought would offer comfort. 

He moved his hand to Magnus' cheek, and slowly, carefully, ran his fingertips over the tear, his breath picking up and his eyes shutting at the shivers it sent through him.

Magnus' breath was caught in his throat, his eyes still shut, and his body unmoving at the feeling of Alec's touch. 

"You're so strong" Alec whispered "I hope you know that" his fingertips ran down his cheek, and Magnus has never loved anything that felt so _foreign_ in his life.

Magnus' muscles eased as he let out a breath. "I just want you to know that you're not alone" he murmured, trying to keep his tone neutral, "that you can get through it and that—"

"This isn't just about me" Alec cut in, his hand moving away from Magnus' face "I want _you_ to know that you're not alone, that you're amazing, and the way you dress is absolutely freaking gorgeous. Your confidence is hypnotic, your smile is contagious, the glitter is— beautiful, you're beautiful and you didn't deserve whatever those lifeless bastards did to you. The idea that you continued exactly what you were doing, that you continued _being you_ alone makes you an inspiration" his voice was shaky, unsure. But when he saw the sincerity of Magnus' smile after he managed to close his mouth, he knew that he nailed it. 

"Alec" was all Magnus managed to articulate. "Did you.. just.."

Alec gnawed at his lower lip for a few moments, rubbing his fingers together at the unfamiliar sensation. 

"Sorry" he apologised with heartfelt regret "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable"

Magnus swallowed, eyes softening, "Alexander" he breathed out, "nothing to apologise for. You didn't make me uncomfortable, but.. I don't want you to be uncomfortable, I don't want you to think I'm pressuring you into things you don't want to, and can't do. I was only telling you about my past experiences so I can tell you that I eventually faced it. I faced my fear with the help of my father, and now, although tight places still make me a tad bit uncomfortable, I've overcome the whole phobia. And you're much stronger than me, so I'm sure you'll get through this—"

"No" Alec cut in, shaking his head in determined stubbornness, "I'm not stronger than you, why would you say that?" He turned to look at Magnus, flummox written all over his face as he clenched his jaw tenaciously.

He looked like a child, and it was the purest thing Magnus had ever seen.

"You've been through much more, darling" Magnus clarified sweetly, "and look at you!" He effused, gesturing to Alec's form.

Alec started to get a little mad. Just a little.

"Yeah, but situations differ, and I can't imagine what being bullied for who you are is like. I don't think you can determine who's stronger. I don't think—"

"Deep breath"

Alec shut up, his lips pulled into a straight line as he glared straight ahead. "I don't want to talk to you anymore."

Magnus felt a small, fond smile tug at the corners of his lips as he watched Alec stubbornly stare ahead. "Shall I go?" He asked, voice holding a little bit of teasing to it.

Alec gave a rumble from deep inside his throat, and Magnus let out a soft chuckle.

"Okay, I guess you're giving me the silent treatment" crossing his arms over his chest, Magnus also stared ahead, only to force a laugh out of Alec. 

Alec wholeheartedly complied, chuckling.

"I don't think I'll ever get used to this" Magnus said, and it was the truth, he's never felt so complete when he was around Alec. And he didn't want to lose that.

Alec blinked in surprise. "To what?" 

"To you" Magnus' eyes turned on Alec, and Alec gave a small sheepish smile. "To us"

"Is that a good thing?" Alec asked timidly, his voice lowering to barely a whisper "is it comfortable?"

Magnus gave a nod. "It's a beautiful thing" he assured. 

Alec nodded. Then he stared at Magnus' hand for what seemed like hours, his heart thumping in his chest.   
They looked so soft, so… gentle and reassuring.

Does he do it? 

He trusted Magnus with everything, and the thought didn't intimidate him one bit. Not as it would've a month ago.

With a small twitch of his hand, Alec took a deep breath and reached for Magnus' hand, something that made a small yelp escape Magnus' lips.

Magnus was shocked, but he still found himself turning his hand in Alec's.

It felt perfect to say the least.

And when Magnus looked down to see their fingers interlaced, tan woven through fair skin, looking utterly perfect regardless how big Alec's hand was compared to his own, he closed his eyes fleetingly and turned to look at Alec, his eyes soft, and easily melding into the hazels he had grown to adore. "You have no idea how much I love you" he whispered, barely above a whisper. 

And Alec looked down, a ghost of a smile on his lips, his cheeks painted red at the sudden confession.

He felt Magnus' thumb rub the slowest circles against his skin, silently telling him that it was okay and he didn't have to say a thing in response.

"I think I can hazard a guess and say just as much as I love you" he picked up the courage to say, then he scooted closer, with much more confidence, and rested his head on Magnus' shoulder.

"Baby steps, Alexander" Magnus murmured, but he couldn't help but tilt his head and rest his cheek against Alec's hair.

Alec squeezed his eyes shut, shaking his head.

"Not around you" he said in muted tones, "not around you."


End file.
